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Missing Cryptoqueen may have changed her appearance to be like Carrie Symonds



Missing since 2017, around the time that Boris Johnson was made Foreign Secretary in the hope that Theresa May could get him as far away from parliament as practically possible, the FBI has taken a particular interest in his travels in the former Soviet Union and in particular how the disappearance of Ruja Ignatova happened to coincide with the appearance of yet another new mistress in the life of an inherently fallible politician.


Once upon a time, lipstick on your collar might have told a tale on you, but modern forensic science is able to not only tell which lipstick was on your dipstick, but tell from the lip prints who was wearing it.


NewsBiscuit is not at liberty to say more at this time, but we remind our readers that softly softly catchee monkey, and the chances of getting the fat bastard locked up in the short term may be better if the FBI handle it rather than rely on House of Commons procedures.



*UPDATE*


At the same moment our reporter posted this, NewsBiscuit received an email from a child who claims to be the lovechild of Boris Johnson and Ruja Ignatova, and on reading the news that Ruja Ignatova changed her appearance to look more like Carrie Symonds, wants to know if there's any chance of being a special case of a child getting fed under the current administration.


First published 3 July 2022



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Smart motorways to be ‘enhanced’ with grand pianos suspended over the fast lane




The Government’s Head of Motorway Safety, Wile E. Coyote, has announced further safety measures for smart motorways.


‘Removing the hard shoulder has been helpful but some are still getting through,’ he told journalists. ‘So the next step will be a series of grand pianos suspended precariously over the fast lane. We have done extensive testing – mostly in canyons in Arizona – and grand pianos are almost ideal for the job’.


Other planned safety features have been tested but found to be inappropriate for the British climate. ‘In the Sonoran desert you can use quite a long fuse on a stick of dynamite but British rain means you would need a dangerously short fuse, so we rejected that,’ said Mr Coyote.


‘Trompe L’oeil paintings to conceal cliff edges work well in Arizona but Britain lacks the necessary topography. Still, removing the hard shoulder has proved to be fairly f*cking lethal – sorry, I meant safety-enhancing – so we’re making good progress.’


Photo by Chris Bair on Unsplash


First published 2 July 2024



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Discovered smuggling teens to R Kelly: 'still not Ghislaine’s fault'




Panicked defenders of Ghislaine Maxwell have been scrabbling for further laughable excuses for her behaviour, as, despite being incarcerated, evidence has emerged of her returning to her pimping habits faster than Jeffrey Epstein removing a troublesome retainer from the downturned mouth of a dead-eyed thirteen-year-old.


Within hours of R Kelly beginning his own 30-year sentence trapped in the custodial closet, Miss Maxwell has been charged with grooming underage girls and trafficking them through to the “I believe I can fly in the face of common decency” singer’s cell, allegedly for a little bump ’n’ grind.


'It’s not her fault she can’t resist powerful, charismatic singers,' bleated a close associate and fellow pension-fund botherer, obstinately deaf to the rest of the world clearly not giving a sh!t. 'It started with a Chuck Berry record. Then she discovered Marvin Gaye, and soon it was Jerry Lee Lewis, Elvis Presley, Ted Nugent - I mean, you can’t fault their morals, but it became an addiction.'


Believed to have fallen under the spell of Kelly, whose sickening offences are matched only by his horrific crimes against music, the disgraced heiress and defender of the sisterhood used a tunnel to smuggle the girls through to his cell, which she is accused of having scraped out in under 24 hours using only a Chanel mascara wand and the stick she’s suspected of having up her ass for the last 60 years.


'The single mindedness with which she dug through to Kelly’s cell is terrifying, but you’ve got to admire the impressive work-rate,' said a prison guard. 'It could have remained undiscovered, but luckily she chose to cover the aperture with a lipstick-stained poster of Bill Wyman, which did raise something of a red flag.'


First published 1 July 2022



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