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Furby sighting evidence of climate change



Scientists working for the toy giant Hasbro have warned that Furbys could return to the wild, devastating crops and worrying livestock. Global warming means the Furby can spread throughout Northern Europe, with only Cabbage Patch Dolls as their natural predator. Their brightly covered fur was once valued by elite fashion houses, but the Furby is now seen as an intrusive pest - like James Corden.


The bastard lovechild of a hobbit and a squirrel, the Furby proved a popular pet for cocaine addled children, during the 1980s. However, they were later culled after spreading chlamydia among koala bears and members of the Royal Family.


Not to be mistaken for a Mogwai or Tribble, the Furby is purely carnivorous and has been known to devour the face of its owner, in less than five seconds. Hasbro warned: 'Should you purchase a Furby, do not approach it or cover yourself in BBQ sauce. Notify the army, who will send a trained sniper. Not to kill the Furby, but to shoot you in the head. Anyone who wants one, needs putting down.'


Firsclimat published 24 June 2023




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Fireman Sam will not resign despite arson charges



Fireman Sam has confirmed that he will not be resigning from the Pontypandy Fire Service, despite being charged with multiple counts of arson and just over 40% of his colleagues saying they'd be better off without him.


The senior firefighter has been dogged by controversy in recent months after it emerged he had deliberately started a number of blazes at the same time he was appearing in public information films promoting fire safety to the community. A recent vote among other firefighters saw almost half of them say he should resign, a result his few remaining allies described as "a convincing victory".


"While I accept and am humbled by the arson charges I truly believed that pouring petrol over Bella's Cafe and setting it alight was within the rules at the time. I now take full responsibility, have learned a valuable lesson and would like to move on, quickly." said Sam, who had initially claimed that he did not know about any fires, despite having been in charge of putting them out.


When video subsequently emerged showing Sam attending the fires he admitted he did know about them but had only been there to help fight them. Text messages were then discovered showing that he discussed starting the fire, at which point he conceded that he may have set the Cafe on fire a little bit, but that he thought it was OK to do so.


"Look, I understand that some people are upset about this, but focusing incessantly on the past isn't going to help anybody. It's time to move on and concentrate on what matters most to the public today. Like the fact that the local shop is currently on fire." said Sam, tucking a box of matches back into his pocket.



First published 23 June 2022




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Mick Lynch to join Marvel Cinematic Universe



Mick Lynch, General Secretary of the RMT union is to join the Marvel Cinematic Universe, studio bosses announced today.


After barnstorming performances on TV screens over recent days, fans will be excited to see Lynch finally join the Hollywood blockbuster franchise. Whilst details remain sketchy at present, it is thought that the first film will see Lynch simultaneously defeat hundreds of semi-robotised news anchors and reporters, batting away monotonous and tedious questions about supposedly bringing the country to a standstill, with reasoned and careful analysis of modern employment relations, the race to the bottom in the UK, and the need for workers to mobilise together to further their long-term interests.


Lynch will also star in crossover ventures with other superheroes, including a 2-part movie with Captain America, in which Lynch explains the inevitable extraction of surplus value under capitalism, ultimately persuading Captain America of the intrinsic benefits of collectivism over individualism. Other planned movies include, The Avengers: Class War, Guardians of the Galaxy: Health and Safety Protocols, and the Fantastic Four (Day Strike).


An initial five movie deal has been negotiated. Further films may be possible, argued Lynch today, 'subject to locked-in inflation-level pay increases, genuine workplace dialogue and credible commitments from employers who have been typically intransigent towards maintaining the terms and conditions negotiated in good faith by Marvel characters and their unions through the recognised sector-level machinery of industrial relations'.



First published 22 June 2022



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