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2150 CE. Archaeologists discover remains of HS2 line




Work on the new Maglev line has been stopped two miles from the edge of the Brum Megopolis after workers discovered rails that may have been buried over one hundred years ago. Experts believe these may be the remains of the now long forgotten HS2 project.


Spokesperson, Ivor Trowel, told reporters 'we are confident in our findings. This is the classic vanity project that collapsed in on itself; much the same as the Egyptian Pyramids, the Trump Library of Culture, and the Rwandan Relocation Project.


'Myth has it that high priests thought that they would save several minutes on a line dedicated to taking the dead to the darklands of the Northern Desert. In fact they wasted whole years and ended up precisely nowhere.

'Ee, civilisations eh? Ya cuddent mek it up'.



First published 18 June 2022



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Police detectives to be trained to ask supplementary questions




'Far too many police dramas depict detectives going to interview a suspect, asking one specific question, leaving to repeat the activity with several other suspects before returning to the first suspect and asking a supplementary question that must have been obvious the first time around,' said police trainer Brian Filch. 'They must have got the idea from somewhere and we know scriptwriters shadow real police officers for background knowledge, so we suspect this is happening in real life. If it is then the carbon footprint alone must be huge,' he added.


Police on Brian's training courses are also going to be encouraged to not gather all the potential suspects together in a room, or on a beach veranda, and untangle the facts of the case without issuing a caution or allowing legal representation. 'Apart from the legal nightmare of not reading them their rights, the passing around of physical evidence is likely to create massive loopholes in the eventual court case,' he said. 'It's not professional and shouldn't happen,' he added before dismissing journalists.


'One other thing,' he was heard to say as the journalists reached the door.



First published 17 June 2022


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Line of Father's Day cards developed for non-alcoholic, golf-playing dads



Two enterprising brothers have embarked on a mission to create Father’s Day cards for Dads who don’t quite fit the Hallmark mould.


The journey began when Alfie (23) and Jacob (24) were purchasing Father's Day cards and noticed a disproportionate amount of options for the beer-drinking, golf-playing and D.I.Ying dads.


‘Everyone has a unique relationship with their father,’ Alfie tells us. ‘And for us, distilling that relationship down to alcohol and toolkits feels disingenuous.’


‘The cards on the market spoke to one or two kinds of fatherhood,’ Jacob explains. ‘They ranged from saccharine: “you’re the best Daddy in the world!” to insulting: “you’re a grumpy old shit and you smell of farts.” Neither of those felt right to give to our Dad; surely the truth is somewhere in the middle?’


Since then, the brothers have introduced their greeting card start up. Their bestsellers include: “You Are Cerebral And Secretive About Your Childhood”, “You Rarely Say I Love You But You Show It By Helping With My Student Loans", and "You Had A Complicated Relationship With Your Own Father And This Has Reflected Greatly On Your Parenting Style, But It’s Obvious That You’re Trying To Break the Cycle”.


‘While less pithy, we feel that these slogans really represent what it’s like to have a dad,’ Jacob says. The resourceful pair are planning to break into the Mothers’ Day market, aiming their products at mothers who don’t care for watercolour flowers and teddy bears holding balloons.


First published 16 June 2023



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