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People smugglers to charter P&O ferry



It has come to light that a gang of people smugglers have an audacious plan to up their game.


"This is a win-win," said a burly man, festooned with bling and sporting a Breitling watch.

"No more unseaworthy dinghies for the 'customers'. A relatively safe crossing ... assuming the crew are capable.

We get to shift 'cargo' in bulk, and P&O generate some income".

This will require a master of logistics to run the operation. Who do they have in mind?


 "We understand that there's an English chap called Chris Grayling?"



First published 17 April 2022



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Everything is a bit like Jesus, confirms parish priest



Your local parish priest reckons absolutely everything happening in the world is rich pickings for an analogy to Jesus and His work, it has been confirmed.


In recent weeks, Father Michael O’Brien, 53, has used the war in Ukraine, the Final of the Apprentice, the World Snooker Championships and two magpies sat on a tree in his garden as fodder for his sermons, with stretched metaphors to God leaving his congregation looking increasingly perplexed.


‘I watched the Man City v Liverpool game last Sunday with anticipation and foreboding’ noted O’Brien, in his latest missive from the pulpit. ‘Like our Lord, both teams were striving to ‘be their best’, but doubting themselves. Pep Guardiola was no doubt swearing at the players at half time and overturning the tables in his ‘temple just like Jesus did when he was a young man. And wasn’t it just like our Saviour’s attempt to reach out to his disciples when the Liverpool goalie literally reached out to tip that shot over the bar?’


O’Brien has already penned the next few weeks’ sermons for his congregation, finding God somewhere in the council elections, the Queen’s jubilee and the first round of Britain’s Got Talent.


‘Even this crappy little satirical piece you’ve written mocking my sermons is a bit like Jesus, isn’t it?’, said O’Brien earnestly. ‘The second flabby paragraph with no real gags is like Jesus’s 40 days in the wilderness. And then there’s a sort of joke and hidden message here where I’m mocking myself - not unlike Jesus mocking himself in the garden of Gethsemane’. ‘


Will there be a fantastic end - similar to the second coming of Jesus - with a pithy killer punchline?’, said O Brien. ‘Ah, sadly, it seems not’.




First published 16 April 2022



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'Is Rwanda in Wales?' Your migration questions answered



Thinking of visiting the UK? Think again. Britain is much further away then you might have expected. In fact London is situated a few degrees south of the Equator, on the border of Uganda.


Should you reach the UK you will be bundled onto a waiting aircraft, by kindly men with tasers. After a quick cavity search and interrogation, you will frog-marched to the nearest exit.


The flight will last several hours, unless you are dropped in the Mediterranean en route. You might think the bag on your head is optional. It's not.




First published 15 April 2022



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