Convincing fraudster poses as Prime Minister

A notorious fraudster has posed as the Prime Minister, Keir Starmer, on more than twenty occasions, without being detected.

Shoppers attending the opening of a new PoundBeater store in Formby, Lancs., expressed their approval as the doppelgänger PM cut the ribbon and made an impromptu trolley dash through the aisles. 'There's someone who understands the cost of living crisis,' said one spectator, as Keir emerged triumphantly with an armful of slightly bent, but reduced, Curlywurly bars. After the opening, he popped into a local hairdresser's to have his hair re-oiled and lacquered back into position. 'Doris asked him if he wanted a shampoo, but he said he never used it,' said one awestruck OAP. 'He looked just like he does on telly.'

The lookey-likey also went to the darts at the Ally Pally, dressed as a minion. 'We thought,' said a security guard, 'that the PM was making a political statement about Ukraine or something, You know, blue and yellow. He was certainly having a good time, and he was packing away the lagers. When Luke Littler won, he went absolutely ape. That's when we started wondering if the pressures of the job were getting to him.'

The double is also thought to have attended is a recent Cabinet Meeting, after shutting the PM in a cupboard. 'I thought it was a bit off,' said Rachel Reeves. 'We were telling him to make a statement about Maduro and Trump, but he said no to that. We asked him if the kidnapping was legal under international law, but he just started talking about Arsenal's recent poor form. When we asked if we could beat Reform in the May elections, he said 'probably not'. So, to be honest, it was all very convincing and the imposter did nothing to give himself away.'

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Sam Allardyce to Run Venezuela

In an unexpected move, following the arrest and extradition of Nicolás Maduro, Donald Trump has announced that interim control of Venezuela will be taken by perennial stopgap Sam Allardyce.

Speaking from his command centre in the main ballroom of Mar-a-Lago while staff set up for lunch, the President told assembled journalists his reasoning, 'I needed someone who'd clean up the country,' he said. 'What better person to do that than a man who's made his entire career out of being a caretaker manager? Though we call them janitors here, not caretakers, not sure why, it's a good word, good word. Big Sam is a man after my own heart, taking over failing organisations, and leaving after twelve months having sent them even further down. Smart guy. He's also got great business sense, knowing how to get around rules and regulations to solve problems, and he lets his son carry the can when things go wrong. For me, it's like looking in a mirror, which I'd do if I cast a reflection.'

In Caracas, the newly-installed CEO of Trump Industries South America (formerly Venezuela) gave his thoughts at his surprise appointment. 'This isn't my first time trying to solve problems in destitution,' He remarked, 'Remember, in the past I've managed both Bolton and Sunderland. I'm not too keen on the uniform, and it's a bit over-the-top making me wear my playoff and division three medals all the time, but apparently the locals like a leader with a bit of razzmatazz. Things here will be alright, just as soon as I can convince them to play 4-4-2, and they let me appoint Kevin Nolan as my Vice-President. My only big question is, given this is South America, what's the wine production like in this country?'

Image: WixAI

Mutiny over the Bounties - Man 'bewildered' by absence of treats

A Warrington man has described his sense of bafflement on discovering a complete dearth of chocolate oranges, mince pies, alcoholic drinks and confectionery.

'I went to the usual place', he told reporters 'but there were just a couple of little Bounties. I don't like them. Nobody does. I think they only include them as a desperation test'.

Scientists have described the state of his cupboards as 'normal' and suggested something called 'normality' - an interesting concept but unlikely to catch on.

Search engines have reported millions of queries of 'How long till next Christmas?' alongside questions about career moves and offers to swap little Bounties for something edible.

The next Bank Holiday is expected in around 40 years' time.

Image: Alexas_Fotos - Pixabay