top of page
Search

Man realises life is a side quest

Jordan Hubbard (32) received a work email on Christmas day, reminding him to get back to the office for his main quest. In no uncertain terms his boss explained that Jordan had got distracted by family and the unfamiliar concept of happiness. After all, his employer said: "If you want to level up, focus on the loot reward. But don't expect a boss fight at the end."


While sitting at the Christmas table urgent orchestral music kicked in, informing Jordan that his destiny was elsewhere. The turkey started glitch‑nagging, saying “You should really get back to the main road.” All these portents were complemented by an email entitled – "Main Quest: Still waiting for you. Anytime. No rush. It’s only the fate of the world."


Jordan was philosophical – "Bit of a coincidence,” he muttered, turning around to go do the thing the developers wanted him to do all along. He just couldn't get rid of the nagging feeling that he wasn’t the hero of the quests, he was just an NPC.



Medics concerned that Trump is becoming more sane

Medics, homeopaths, alternative health practitioners and witches are concerned about the President's mental health.


One quack doctor told us, 'I monitor what the President says and does very closely, for my podcast. It is very clear that the flow of lies, untruths, half-truths and utter nonsense is changing. The volume of nonsense is diminishing. And markedly. He doesn't spout total guff with the same volume or frequency or enthusiasm as before. The contributions aren't as batshit crazy as they were.


'It seems clear that something is going on inside the Presidential bonce. As the direction of travel seems positive, veering back towards established knowledge, truths and behaviours, we are increasingly worried that Donald J Trump is going sane.


'Fortunately, in the USA, the treatment for sanity is exactly the same as the treatment for insanity, so there won't be any need to change Donald's meds.'


Nationalising the railways is a Trolley Problem

The Prime Minister explained: "On one track is a well-funded service, safe and efficient. And on the other track is just $hit. A huge pile of fetid crap."


And if we pull the lever?


"What lever, there is no lever. Like I said, it's just death, greed and delays."


But what about the other track with all the nice stuff?


"Oh, that just runs parallel. It's what France and Germany get, by siphoning off all the profits from your $hit one."


He said he would be suggesting a similar Trolley Problem for the NHS, where one option is for your nan to actually have a trolley to lay on and the other has her on tarmac in the carpark.


"The important thing is for people to realise there is no lever, no option B. There is no ethical dilemma, because there are no ethics."


One voter said he couldn’t wait to pull the lever to vote for a different government. The PM chuckled: "Oh, you think there'll be a lever once I'm finished?"



bottom of page