Robber planning penultimate heist to evade justice

Serial bank robber Danny ‘Fingers’ MacGregor is to carry out his penultimate bank job, a move described by police as “unsporting”.

‘As a police officer I live for final jobs’, DI Watkins told us. ‘Well, final jobs and doughnuts. With a blagger as careful as Fingers you only get one chance to nail him – his last job. The one he can retire on. Always make a mistake, see? Usually it’s a last-minute substitution because the wheelman has a dodgy tummy, sometimes they try to double cross Mr Big – doesn’t matter what it is, the gods are watching, and they know.

‘However, by planning his final two jobs but only carrying out the first, Fingers will miss all that bad luck. I had hoped to see him go down before I retired but this is my final week in the job. Hope it’s reasonably uneventful. For some reason the boss has partnered me with a psychopathic weirdo with a death wish, but I’m sure all will be well’.

www.newsbiscuit.com 

Two billion on Tommy Robinson march - numbers swelled by migrants

Official auditors for the Tommy Robinson march on Saturday, accountants Yaxley, Lennon and McCartney have confirmed the numbers and claim the higher than expected turnout is due to immigrants, particularly those arriving on small boats.

Border Control confirms the increase in irregular migrants arriving in the past week.  'They've been making a bee-line for London, claiming they're here just for Tommeh.  They're no trouble, just enjoying the vibe,' said a spokesman.  'I expect they'll be leaving later in the week with their London souvenirs and St George flags.  They like to take them back to Syria as George was a local, wasn't he?' he added.

hat tip to TechGuy 

Image:https://pixabay.com/users/thedigitalartist-202249/

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Record low crime Saturday (except London)

Police forces across the UK were reporting the quietest Saturday afternoon in recent years today. Football matches passed off without any incidents, and violence and road rage was at an all time low.

"It's a mystery" said DI Dixon of Lutonshire Constabulary. "Normally we have our hands full of drunken yobs on Saturday afternoon, but today, nada. It's lovely."

However, we cannot be sure this was the story across the entire UK, as the London Metropolitan police did not answer our calls, with a recorded message describing them as "exceptionally busy right now".