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By our Summer Fashion Trends Reporter, Des Perrott



Following the identification of “Mar-a-Lago face” amongst wealthier MAGA supporters, it is now believed that many Reform UK supporters are copying their own leader’s unique look.


It has been nicknamed “Clacton Face”, or more simply “The Clac”, after the seaside town where Farage spent some time last year. The “Clac” consists of a grey and receding hairline and a perma-tan face with distinctive tree-ring pattern of wrinkles created by years of alternately gurning then switching on a serious political expression, often in a cloud of smoke.


However, supporters have been known to go to great lengths in this display of loyalty, despite many not having much money and it looking particularly odd on his female supporters. Inevitably, as our research department’s analysis shows, there have been unfortunate results.


We spoke to Bert Smith, a retired turf accountant in Basildon. According to Bert, “I managed to dye and shrink my Beatles wig to get the hairline and got a block booking at the tanning salon but the wrinkles were the problem. I can’t afford plastic surgery - I bet it would be on the NHS if we hadn’t let so many migrants in - so I had to ask a bloke down the Tattoo Parlour to see what he could do for twenty quid.


“He tried his best in half an hour but now my mates say my face is frozen like a pink-cheeked rabbit in the headlights. Honestly, it’s a scandal. People will think I support Starmer.”



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Teeside council have admitted that they are using paintings of tarmac to disguise many of the potholes in local roads.


Local artists have been hired to render realistic images of tarmac and other road surfaces, to enable the potholes to blend in to the highway.


But residents have pointed out that the holes are still holes, and now that they are less visible they represent an even greater danger to cars.


The council released a statement saying the measure was not intended to disguise the road maintenance problem, and that they had commissioned local artists to "promote community relations" and "support the local art scene"


But locals suspect there may be another reason the council have made this unusual move.


"They're just doing it to cover up the English flags I painted in the holes", said a resident who did not want to be named. "I was trying to see if it would force them to fix the potholes. Pity it didn't work"


"But I've started painting the Israel flag instead" He said. "That works a bit better. I got one hole filled in with manure"



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The Grim Reaper in chinos has decided to be a c$☆% again, but proposing a solution for the Palestinians. How final it is, is yet to be seen, but he promised to toast a ceasefire with some fava beans and a nice chianti.


The Tony Blair Institute (TBI) has already suggested cleansing Gaza, and Tony was very keen to finish what he started. He boasted, Oasis were not the only ones revisiting their 90s war crimes.


Dubbed the Harold Shipman of Peace, he hoped to return to the scene of his war crimes. Blair warned that Palestinians were 45 minutes away from launching stones at the UK, but 600 hours from their next lunch. Meanwhile the TBI would create a road map to peace - just don't look to see who is buried underneath it.



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