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That Kemi Badenoch speech in full

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'Yes, hooray, we now have a policy and it's a big juicy one.


'After months in the wilderness with no policies, the Tories are back, with a bang.


'Not health, not justice, not education, not tax. No. This policy is about planning. The policy is no change of use for hotels without planning permission. This is an absolute game changer. This will win an avalanche of votes.  It's not anti-immigrant or anti-asylum-seeker.  It's not pandering to white working class poor people.  This is about the proper use of the planning system.


'No need for any other policies. No need to be a thoughtful and challenging opposition to the government. No need to fear scary Nigel any more. Gamechanger!


'Do I think that people will notice that we are opportunistic, mean-spirited and morally bankrupt. No. People are smarter than that.


'Do I think that people will notice that we don't have anything useful to offer on any of the big issues of the day. Yes. But who cares. The election is ages away.'



Breaking news: supermarket changes a price

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A supermarket has changed the price of a thing it sells, and this is big news.


The thing has been at a different price until now, when it has gone up.


Many food prices are going up.  You may have noticed.  Meat, coffee, butter, eggs, bread.  Just about everything, really.


Shops change their prices all the time, up, down, up, mostly up. However, today's price change is iconic, because it's a thing that is an ordinary thing, that ordinary people buy every day, and because it's a food thing, and we've all got to eat.


It's a good thing that news media exists, because now you are warned in advance that the thing is more expensive.  And this will give you time to prepare.  And think about whether you want this thing at the new price, or whether you should shop elsewhere, or just resort to shoplifting. They wouldn't nick you for a £4 meal deal.  Would they?


To be on the safe side, why not get up five minutes earlier and make yourself a sandwich instead.  And then you can spend your savings on booze.



Starmer criticised for not having a full face Union Jack tattoo

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All blank spaces in Britain - such as the space between the ears of most Farage voters - must now be filled with British flags.


Once Future Fuhrer Farage is Prime Minister of the New Reich, everyone must have a Union Jack or St George's cross ('same fing innit') hanging from every single window of their house. Otherwise you will be flagged as left-wing scum and your house burned down with you inside it. Your death screams will be drowned out by your neighbours singing the National Anthem


Farage claimed that Keir Starmer hates Britain so much that he doesn't have the new legal minimum of Winston Churchill tattoos - two - one of the ex-PM and one of the dog from the adverts - both smoking cigars.


When asked how this would improve people's lives, Farage ordered another bonfire lit, proclaiming 'Another pinko for the fire, boys.'



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