MP angry at spy offering bribe, not the actual bribe

The House of Commons has rebuked China for offering them pretend sex and money instead of legitimate sex and money. Said one Minister. 'If I'm going to be embroiled in a scandal, I don't want it be a fake sex trafficked teenager, I want the real thing.'

MI5 warned that politicians could be coerced into giving away the nation's secrets, instead of selling them off to the first lobbyist they see. 'China has muddied the waters, by corrupting our already corrupt MPs, meaning our politicians might actually get into trouble.'

A Minister said. 'These bribes are outrageous. And so small!'

Spectacular Irony fail as resale sites fume over clampdown on their grossly inflated ticket prices

The irony that concert ticket resale sites claim a plan to force them to sell at face value will drive fans to buy from unscrupulous sources at inflated prices, has stunned almost no one.

Eric Spivly, spokesman for the some say exploitative and seedy industry association said: 'It's crazy. If this is passed it means soon we'll be no longer able to fleece the public legally. The days of striping gullible mugs £6,000 for Adele, Swifty or other big acts' shows will be gone. How are our directors going to maintain millionaire lifestyles then? Penthouses and boats in Monte Carlo don't pay for themselves you know. 

'It's the public I feel sorry for,' added Spivly, with not even a hint of sanctimony. 'If they can't buy tickets off us at eyewatering prices after our bots have hoovered them all up minutes after release, it will see the true fans having to go to independent operators outside the venues just like the bad old days. Sometimes these unlicenced chancers have been known to charge up to £250.'

When reporters asked Spivly if he'd ever heard the word "irony" before, he replied, 'Stop changing the subject. I know nothing about scrap metal.'

Photo by pippen on Unsplash

Trump to release Epstein files after Game of Thrones

The President has been accused of delaying incriminating evidence by tying it to George.R.R.Martin's work rate. A spokeswoman clarified. 'Nonsense, the President has every confidence George will release the final books. He wants to put all the dodgy sex behind him, although George wrote it like that.'

Much like the books, Trump is hoping the files have an anticlimactic ending - preferably without him climaxing. HBO are said to be interested in the files but are concerned that it will be too rude even for them.

Conspiracy theorists think George will be killed before he finishes, although fans have said that he's more likely to die of old age first. 'The President hoping neither the files or books have a happy ending. And, yes, he knows that has a double meaning.'

Photo by Wesley Tingey on Unsplash