China meeting got me a whole hill of beans, brags Trump

"It's the bigliest meeting ever in the history of bigly meetings," boasted Donald Trump on board Hot Air Force One.

"I slashed the rates on all my tariffs on China and, in return, Mr Xi said he might stop refusing to sell us his rare earth metals. But he didn't actually agree to anything on paper because ironing out the details was too boring for me.

"Then he said he might think about helping to end the war in Ukraine by maybe talking to Putin about it some time in the future if he managed not to forget - and that's a great diplomatic victory by me.

"But best of all, Mr Xi definitely signed a contract to buy some sacks of soybeans from a bunch of US farmers with MAGA hats and pick-up trucks.

"In three months' time, we'll be buying them all back in the form of premium-priced soy sauce and tofu.

"I am the the greatest diplomat ever!" bellowed Trump, doing a pratfall down the aeroplane steps, "because I pulled off the greatest soybean deal in history!"

"Who said President Trump is doing international diplomacy on 'easy mode'?" croaked White House spokes-toadie Karoline Leavitt.

"It's really tricky handling all those buttons when you have such tiny little fingers."

image from gemini google

Writing on the wall as sales of Trump 2026 kitchen calendar stall bigly

Reports emerging today suggest sales of the President Donald J  Trump 2026 Calendar are 'sluggish', seemingly, with many dyed-in-the-wool MAGA cult members unwilling to make a date with it.

Cletus Abernathy from Bona Venture Arkansas, who describes himself as a part-time, moronic and clueless village idiot, is one such devotee unwilling to part with the cool $2500 asking price.

Speaking to Fox News he said: 'Mary Lou, my good lady, done told me she wanted a copy but I refused to buy it. As a god-fearing devout Christian I could not allow her to look upon an uncensored image of the president, as depicted in July. On account of him being stripped to the waist and mudwrestling JD Vance, while Pete Hegseth, in Speedos, looks on and 25 scantily clad cheerleaders shake their pom-poms.

'I mean, you can actually see Mr Trump's fully exposed right butt cheek, and the prospect of that amorphous blob of shapeless corpulent flab hanging over me for thirty-one days, as I'm tryin' to chow down my squirrel pie, turkey gizzards and grits, did not appeal. No siree.

'So I told Mary Lou. Now see here, honey, if you want to look at something as old and petrified as Trump's ass then I'll just send off to England and get cousin Zeke to mail us the Cliff Richard one like he does every year.'

image from grok

Deported migrant got more than £500

Border Force officials are pleased to see the back of an asylum seeker finally deported to Ethiopia today.

The press are reporting that the man was paid £500 so that he wouldn't make a fuss. Insiders say that he got a lot more than £500.

Our source said, 'That man was an ace negotiator. He was relentless. He asked for, and received, all kinds of amazing stuff.

'He got a signed photograph of Sir Mark Rowley, head of the Met Police, so that he could show his family who had lost out big time at hide and seek. He had to promise that he wouldn't share it with the press or post it on social media. He seemed very trustworthy, so our negotiators said yes. He also got Keir Starmer's wife's recipe for Lemon Cheesecake, the freedom of Epping, twelve sticks of seaside rock from Clacton, some nice clothes, and Sushi for the flight home.

'On the plus side, he has promised not to tell everyone in Ethiopia about the five hundred quid and the other goodies. So hopefully that will encourage Ethiopians to stay at home and not to take a trip to the UK.

image from pixabay