Speaker investigates investigation into Speaker by Speaker

The House of Commons Speaker, Lindsey Hoyle, has declared that there can be no independent investigation into his illicit behaviour, because he has a note from his Mum. Mr.Hoyle went further to explain that there was nothing to see and even if there was, he was ill that day.

Having taken thousands in freebies and lobbyist kickbacks, he was quick to point out that it was all a coincidence, as he has always liked money. The fact that he had shut down votes on the instruction of a foreign government was nothing odd - he does it all the time. Blocking the release of evidence that might incriminate him, he laughed maniacally and boasted you'll never take me alive.

Donald Trump is said to be interested in retaining Mr.Hoyle as a defence lawyer. Prince Andrew is said to be furious that he did not think of it first.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Unwanted pets to be fed to carnivores in zoos

Next, unwanted children.

However, neither are likely to be substantial enough to satisfy hungry predators. Even under-nourished rough sleepers might not be very nutritious.

But the problem of grossly overcrowded prisons suggests another possibility. Big, burly prisoners might earn a return on the cost of feeding them, and the particularly violent ones might even be able to bring in some money, providing entertainment for spectators at feeding time.

Image: Dušan veverkolog (@veverkolog) | Unsplash Photo Community

BBC and Met Office kiss and make up

After eight years of 'will they, won't they', 'on-off' drama, typical of a national weather forecaster, the fractured relationship between the Met Office and the BBC has apparently been healed.

'The Met Office was too woke and apparently voted Remain,' said a BBC spokesman. 'But now they have turned their back on DEI, pronouns and weather reports that aren't newsworthy we've decided to kiss and make up,' he added.

A Met Office Spokesperson appeared to have a different view of the monumental reunion. 'We felt the BBC was presenting a warm front, was handling high pressure well and we understood they regretted voting to Leave,' he/she said. 'We have agreed to sex the weather report up a bit, but only if they return our Velcro weather symbols to front and centre of the weather report,' the spokesperson said, tightening his/her tie while straightening his/her skirt. 'At least cardboard weather symbols are gender neutral, unlike that macho AI inspired CGI rubbish,' he/she added.

'And apparently, tonight, for the first time, just about half past ten, for the first time in history it's gonna start raining cis gender males.'

There are rumours that the relationship might be more off than on. Cardboard Velcro-backed dark clouds might be gathering.

Image: Abid Shah (@abid_ahmad_shah) | Unsplash Photo Community