Trump: I am James Bond

With the revelation that Trump was a CIA asset, he now claims to be a MI6 agent operating at the highest level.

'The President grabbed Octopussy, for sure,' said an aide, and Gold Finger was definitely him. Not sure about the discoloured smudge on his hand, though. That might just be sh!t.

'He disagrees with Diamonds being forever, his preference is for Crypto. And obviously Scaramanga is a code word for Epstein. Three nipples, yes, but two belonged to an underage girl who the President saved. For later,' he added.

image from pixabay

An unusual garden problem

A householder is seeking advice regarding an unfamiliar problem with her lawn.  Following a night of heavy rain, her lawn has changed from its normal brown-coloured flat, level state and has suddenly begun to contain patches which have developed a strange shade of - well, almost some kind of green colour.  Even more odd, signs of a peculiar form of green, spiky growth has begun to occur in a few odd, isolated places.

However, an expert has advised her that this is not all that unusual, and often happens with lawns which have come into contact with water or even any kind of moisture, especially if the lawn has also been exposed to sunshine at any stage.  The problem will apparently eventually cure itself once all the moisture has disappeared, although it might be quite a long wait before this occurs again.

 He has warned her that in the meantime this green-coloured growth problem could get worse, and might need to be suppressed using an unfamiliar device called a 'lawn mower'.  These are apparently available from many garden centres and DIY outlets, or may even be available second-hand from a householder who has uncovered one in the back of their garden shed, and doesn't recognise what it is.

The problem is also likely to get worse as the seasons gradually move towards Britain's cold, rainy season, following Britain's cool, rainy season - or towards 'winter' from 'summer'.  

Image credit: perchance.org

Trump throws a sickie

The White House has published a note, apparently written by the President's mum, keeping Trump off work for another day.

'Donald has a poorly tum and his bone spurs are playing up,' says the note.  'Plus, some naughty boys in the press corps keep shouting names at him.  Names like Epstein and Andrew.'

The note concludes that 'Donald will be back at work once a full pardon is announced.'

Image credit: perchance.org