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FBI now says Isle of Wight never existed

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After an exhaustive investigation into cub scout trafficking, the FBI have concluded that no one of influence - or sound mind - ever visited the island. The supposed list of 'clients' who had visited the island was sunk on board the Portsmouth ferry and all tickets to Blackgang Chime were destroyed.


Furthermore the island no longer appears on any maps and has been replaced by the phrase 'here be dinosaurs'. The FBI confirmed 'IOW is not a sex island - not unless you count caravan parks. Nothing illegal ever happened here, in fact, since 1972, nothing ever happened here.'



It's the quiet life for Grylls and Mears in new Saturday night primetime show

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Following on from the seemingly endless procession of facile drivel masquerading as Saturday evening primetime entertainment ITV inflicts on the public, the broadcaster has announced a new collaboration between Bear Grylls and Ray Mears.


Bear and Ray's Big Night In will see the two survival supremos share a quiet night in together at a small terraced house in Oldham. Explaining the project to showbiz critics they seemed in good spirits. 'It's going to be great,' enthused Mears. 'We'll be getting a few cans from the off-licence on the corner, ordering in a nice tasty curry and then streaming something from Netflix.'


'Yes, that's right,' agrees Grylls. 'It's going to make a change from us going off into jungles and wildernesses on our own. And let's face it, who in everyday ordinary life is ever going to find themselves in such a pickle? Our shows to date are utterly removed from any vestige of reality when you think about it. We're stunned TV execs never spotted the mind-numbing pointlessness of the concepts before now.


'I mean the average chartered accountant or postman would never find themselves having to drink armadillo semen or use a pair of specs to distil nutrients from gorilla shit mixed with stagnant water to survive. Well... not unless they're rushed to their local A & E.'



Fly from Cardiff – get £23 off

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The Welsh Government is keen to support Cardiff Airport, as it’s very important to have a proper Welsh airport to use. God forbid that proper Welsh people would use the airports at Manchester, Liverpool, Birmingham or Bristol. You can’t get to any of those airports without treading on foreign soil.


The Welsh Government has therefore given subsidies of £206m to the airport (which it owns) over the next ten years.


After some debate about how best to use the subsidies, the airport has decided that it will just give every passenger £23 in cash. Travellers will also have the option to take the subsidy in giant Toblerone bars, or, in a concession to Plaid Cymru, Welsh cakes. Passengers are warned that they may not be able to take £23 worth of Welsh cakes on board a plane as hand luggage.


The airport has defended its decision by saying that cold hard cash is the best way to build the customer base. On current passenger numbers, the £23 cash bonus will last for the full ten years. If the number of travellers rises, then the cash bonus might end earlier – but this will, of course, show that the whole scheme has been a brilliant success.


Swansea Airport has complained, and says that if it had the money, it could offer a subsidy of £137 per passenger. It reckons that this would grow passenger numbers much more quickly. Their spokesman also said that Swansea is properly Welsh, unlike all those softies in Cardiff who can’t even speak the language properly.



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