Supermarkets have always claimed that shoppers choose to shop in them because they offer more choice, however this may be due to change now that technology has advanced. Having successfully ensured shoppers sign up for loyalty card schemes to be able to shop in supermarkets so the discount gained from using the loyalty cards means they pay the true price of the goods, the data gathered on your shopping habits and lifestyle is to be used to reduce the amount of choice available to you. New loyalty cards with embedded electronics are to be issued in the coming months, which will identify you as a unique customer from the moment you enter the store. Technology will be embedded in the trolley, enabling it to only be steered along aisles the AI wants it to go and the trolley will occasional be come immoveable when it is alongside an item the supermarket is keen that you purchase. Customers are not expected to notice anything materially different in this respect to when they get a trolley with a wonky wheel. Advanced packaging linked to the technology will have an invisibility cloak feature that can be turned on or off by the AI to give the impression there is only one item on the shelf, although it may not be necessary to use this function unless Brexit restrictions ease. Cameras around the store will allow the technology to determine whether there’s been any increase in the body mass of your kids since your recent shops and if not, the technology will ensure you can only buy them junk food; and if they are getting ridiculously fat, you’ll be forced to buy them ludicrously expensive healthy food. A spokescrook for the government told Newsbiscuit it welcomes the technology as it will make the shopping experience more efficient, boost productivity and thus lead to growth.
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Following the announcement that the next Newsbiscuit publication will be Seagulls on Smack, a furious row has erupted regarding the potentially controversial, not to mention explosive content.
At a mass demonstration on the Isle of Wight (IOW), furious residents demanded that the book be withdrawn, pulped, burnt, shot and hanged.
A leading IOW rabble-rouser (Robowurzel) was quoted as saying “This book will be a monstrous slur on the Island’s favourite national bird. And also the title has confused most of our (mainly elderly) residents.
Seagulls on Smack – what the hell does that mean? Seagulls landing on a small ship? Seagulls discussing corporal punishment?? Or is this a misprint of Seagulls on Snack? In which case it is bloody obvious – chips.”
A spokesperson for the Newsbiscuit publishing giant – Nice (sic) Admin Lady – wearily explained.
“The book hasn’t even been printed yet. And it will be a limited edition sent to discerning adults wrapped in plain brown paper (the book that is). So to suggest any content at the present moment is a witch hunt and kangaroo court. And it is not as if we are going to translate it into Dutch – although hang on a minute....”
At midnight on December 1st, the true dawn of the Christmas season, Janice Langley, 56, of Nottingham felt an unusual yet familiar urge. That urge was to mull.
She told us that she was in her kitchen, enjoying a hot cocoa with her husband, Ken, before retiring to bed. All of a sudden, the cocoa seemed dull and uninteresting and offensively unfestive. She immediate dashed to her cupboards and rifled through them with such alarming urgency, it caused her startled husband to cry out.
"What's happening, Love, what are you looking for", said a clearly unsettled Ken, "everything's falling on the floor".
He was right, the floor now sported Smores kits, hot chocolate envelopes, 3 mint tea bags and numerous assorted bean cans.
"I MUST MULL, " whispered Janice, "I MUST MULL!"
Finally, she seemed triumphant and emerged from a below surface cupboard with a small bottle of mulling syrup, bought last year but never opened. She unscrewed the bottle top and poured a good glug of the syrup into her Cocoa. She inhaled deeply and drank heartily.
"Yes. YES!" she shouted before pouring some syrup into Ken's glass of bitter, the cats milk and the budgies water dish. Ken had to stop her running outside after she had spied an unmulled bird bath in the garden.
"It was like she was possessed", said a breathless Ken, "every year it happens and every year I forget. I mean we all love Christmas but she mulled the communion wine and the holy water last year on Christmas Day. We've not been asked back to St Cuthbert's since".
image from pixabay
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