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The cost of a horse or pony will soon be reduced by up to £3,750 under grants being introduced by the government to encourage drivers to move towards more sustainable forms of transport.


A spokesman for the Department for Transport said, ‘The discounts will apply to eligible animals costing up to £10,000, with the most environmentally friendly seeing the biggest reductions. As the cost of running a medium-sized horse is around £8,000 a year, this scheme will incentivise people to choose a horse rather than a car. Vehicle excise duty does not apply to horses and riders will also avoid paying fuel duty, although VAT continues to apply to hay.'

‘We are supporting this initiative by requiring all public sector buildings to install hitching posts so that animals can be left safely during GP appointments, police interviews and so on. We will also require councils to install horse waste bins, as the current dog waste bins will not cope with the extra business.  We will be amending the legislation so that horses and ponies can use cycle lanes.’


The RAC saying discounted horses should start appearing at dealerships ‘within weeks’.  The RAC will be offering consumers a used horse checking service and a warranty scheme.

Under the scheme, discounts will range between £500 and £3,750.  Eligible horses must be capable of accepting a rider or pulling a cart and cannot for the purposes of racing, ready meals, or glue.

Drivers remain concerned that a horse will not have sufficient range for the journeys they want to make. They also worry that the UK needs more horse troughs, and that a horse is still not a practical option for people who live in a flat.



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It was announced today, to general shouts of acclamation, that “the unique way the BBC is funded” will no longer be unique.


From now on, anyone who wants to drive any kind of car will have to pay a monthly fee to Skoda. This will entitle them to drive a Skoda or, if they spend more money, the car they actually want.


“It’s ridiculous,” said one disgruntled motorist. “I realise these days Skodas aren’t the joke they were in the 80s. Well, not quite.


“But why should I have to pay them money when I drive a Volkswagen?”


Nor did he accept the argument that Skodas are “public service cars” that the free market couldn't produce. “If anything, making Skoda the ‘trust fund kid’ that doesn’t have to earn a living only makes them complacent. They’d probably make much better cars if they had to worry about appealing to consumers.”


Along the same lines, it was announced that anyone who wants a mobile phone will have to pay a fee to minor manufacturer Xiaomi, and if you want to read any newspaper you’ll have to pay the Leicester Mercury for the privilege.


For his part, Sadiq Khan was furious that there was a way of screwing money out of motorists he hadn’t thought of himself.




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After extracting billions from water rate payers since privatisation, plus loading the company with debt all in order to pay shareholders untold riches, it looked like the company was on its last legs as the government, country and anyone with half a functioning braincell could see it was failing in all aspects, unless discharging turds into public waterways instead of processing them to provide clean water was an agreed objective - clue, it isn't.


Now the final nail in its coffin after years of not increasing the water storage capacity through reservoirs and/or reducing losses through leaks it was gearing up to announce sweeping water restrictions such as hosepipe bans and stand-pipes in the street. Then, yesterday, on St Swithins Day, it rained. Practically everywhere.


'It's a bloody miracle,' claimed a spokesman for the CEO. 'We've been praying for rain on the fifteenth of July for months,' he said, adding, 'or a massive government bailout, again, but it's pretty much the same thing,' he said.


'According to the legend, it will now rain for forty days and forty nights. Probably one after the other,' he said, crossing his fingers and toes. 'It's guaranteed, isn't it?' he asked, probably rhetorically. he confided that he also hoped the government would rain cash on it for forty or so days, 'just like they used to'.


In other news the tooth fairy is real, Santa is watching every move you make. Gregg Wallace is the epitome of acceptable behaviour and the IDF are the good guys.



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