Wild White Goods: the latest fitness craze

Bored with marathons? Fed up with wild swimming? The latest fad for the cognitively impaired but physically fit is Wild White Goods – carrying fridge freezers up mountains, swimming across lakes towing a tumble dryer or just hiking with a Zanussi washing machine.

'I love being out in nature, challenging myself' says Helen (58). 'Anyone can climb a mountain – why not make it interesting?'

Farmers have criticised the movement. Well they would, wouldn’t they? They act like they own the countryside.

Helen again: 'They’re always saying stuff like "you can’t bring that dishwasher here", and "you’re a bloody nutter, what kind of idiot takes a gas hob up Helvellyn?". It’s so frustrating. I listen to The Archers, I count myself an ally. Okay, I’m a vegetarian and I sometimes set the sheep free, but I’ve always done that. If anything, carrying a 50 litre fridge freezer around has slowed me down. They should be pleased'.

There are some positives. Several wild swimmers have mysteriously vanished whilst towing heavy white goods. Something to do with physics, apparently. Rescue services have promised to go out and look for them 'in a week or so, just as soon as we've shifted these items on eBay'.

Image: Wix AI

Allotments to be sold to settler colonialists

Councils are to be given permission to eject people from their rightful land. Allotments will be cleansed of anyone with green fingers. Keir Starmer refused to admit where he got the idea from, but he did say God told him to do it.

The 185 members of the UN has condemned the move, but the US vetoed it, saying all gardeners were terrorists. Meanwhile, allotment owners have referred to it as the Cucumber Nakba - chanting 'Free allotments, from the rhubard to the seed'.

Image: Kenan Kitchen (@kitchen) | Unsplash Photo Community

70s progrock band "Starmer's Function Creep"

The Labour Party is restricting something that has been around for 3000 years. No, not disillusioned Labour voters. Porn. New laws mean you must be over 18 to watch it, but you can, some might say, still be under 18 to experience it on an island with Prince Andrew.

An unforeseen consequence is that Spotify and YouTube will be censored, but Mrs Brown's Boys will not. You will have to submit all your personal details to access harmful content, a bit like electing Starmer in the first place.

Of course, teenagers will circumvent the system by using a VPN. While Boomers will confuse it with Visible Panty Line. The dark web is set to expand, which is great news if you are an illegal drugs start up.

So no children will be safer as a result, but we will have better access to a Russian blackmailer of your choice.

image from pixabay

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