Girl Guides to Introduce Vaping Badge

Girlguiding UK have announced the introduction of 72 new badges in line with modern children's interests and passions, with a notable inclusion being one for successfully using a vape pen.

'We needed to stay relevant,' said inclusion and marketing head Orla Brown. 'While the Rainbows and Brownies are still interested in nature and playing, by the time tweens and teens hit Guides, we needed a plan to prevent us from haemorrhaging members to the dreaded and non-specific hanging out.'

Members of the organisation's youth steering group were pleased to see it taking steps to evolve and remain relevant. 'I'm glad they ditched the happy slapping badge,' one told us, 'that thing was soooo cheugy. I got my badge for showing how to use a watermelon-breeze and a cola-ice at the same time to give something, that like, tastes really boujee.

'I can't wait to get to Rangers next year and get my Jailbait badge for looking old enough to get served vodka in an offy.'

Footnotes for anyone not in Gen-Z:

cheugy - out of date, trying too hard, not cool

boujee - up market, high-end

Picture credit: Wix AI

Experts criticise Meghan’s wine

Meghan launched her £22-a-bottle rosé this month, and it has already sold out.

Experts have criticised Meghan’s exclusive wine, saying that it is just a blend of familiar wines that they have experienced before, and that it is too high-pitched, too entitled, and an unpleasant assault on the ears.

‘It’s really a one-note wine,’ said one sommelier. ‘There is no depth or sophistication to it, it’s just really in your face. The wine is the same every time. The best approach to Meghan's wine is to keep your own mouth shut and put your fingers in your ears.

‘If only Meghan would do the same.’

Picture credit: Wix AI

You know the school holidays have started when...

• When all the shops that sell school uniforms are urging parents to purchase September's clothing ahead of the annual growth spurt.  You'll just have to guess what size the ankle-snappers will squeeze into in six, seven weeks time because in September the shops will be full of ski wear and winter tops for the New Year's bash.  Make sure you pick up their Halloween outfits at the same time as their oversized uniforms, because all that will be left at the end of the school holidays will be Boris Johnson and Michael Gove masks left over from the lock-down Halloween sales. 

• When all the roads are incredibly quiet.  Apart from the roads leading to the coast, ports, North, South, East and West.  They'll be log-jammed for at least eight weeks, until the final British holidaymaker is forcibly repatriated by Haven Resorts.

  
  

• When sales of Union Flag sleeveless tops soar in specific seaside resorts, along with Nazi tattoos and far right hatred, which apparently can be purchased in bottle form, useful for filling with stolen petrol for throwing at police vehicles.  Outrage, like child growth, also increases exponentially at this time.  Allow for full meltdown on Twitter by the second week.  It's probably in full meltdown in the first week, but you'll be too busy buying school uniforms and won't notice.

• When Nigel Farage appears on any remotely topical political TV show, despite only having four (at time of writing, could be less by now) MPs, fewer than practically every other political party, and none of which we ever see. Despite being platformed, he won't answer any policy questions and nobody, but no-bloody-body will ask him how Brexit is doing.

Correction, the fourth point is true all year round.  Unfortunately.