‘Why can’t you be more flirty?’ demands customer

Consumers report a 38% decrease in lingering eye contact and coquettish banter among the serving classes. A recent study suggests that an alarming number of self-checkout staff are refusing to smile with a raised eyebrow as you call for assistance.

They rarely lean over, breathing softly against your neck and let their fingers lightly brush against yours as you fumble for your credit-card. None of these minimum wage teases, seem to play with their hair anymore or laugh at our jokes. Instead, it’s all a perfunctory ‘Can I help?’ with no offer of a ‘Happy Ending’.

Complained one customer: ‘I’m not demanding special treatment – I just want a prolonged hug and my buttocks to be firmly grabbed. I tipped 10% - so the least I can expect is a foot rub. Just because you are poorly paid and half my age – does not mean you should not offer service with a smile – and become the mother of my children. Definitely that last bit.’

Photo by Simon Kadula on Unsplash

Man who fails to knock out pub hardnut says “Now is the time for diplomacy”

A man who crept up behind the hardest bloke in his local pub and hit him with a barstool but failed to knock him out has said he feels “Now is the time for diplomacy”. 

Colin Sawdust of Oswestry was apparently stung by his girlfriend’s mockery when the local hardnut, Dave Concrete, accidentally jogged his arm as he walked past, causing him to spill his drink.

'It’s not like he meant to do it,' Sawdust protested, which in no way made his girlfriend think him less of a pussy.

Realising he would have to do something to prove his bravery, he decided he would hit Concrete from behind with a barstool, run out of the pub before he came round and never drink there again.

However, genetics had gifted Concrete with an abnormally thick skull and muscular neck, and he seemed barely to notice as the barstool shattered against him. Nor was he persuaded by Sawdust’s subsequent appeal that, whatever had happened up to now, they should put the past behind them, sit down and talk like adults in order to avoid further violence.

“In the face of such provocation, it would be unreasonable to expect me not to retaliate,” is probably what Concrete meant by pushing Sawdust face-first through the pub’s jukebox.

Photo by Victor Clime on Unsplash

Old guy who says 'it's a funny old world' not laughing

Edgar Chronic, 78, is known locally for his life mantra that 'it's a funny old world'. For some reason he stopped using the phrase when the winter fuel allowance was stopped last year and for reasons not fully understood failed to resume laughing after his daughter, Brenda, mentioned that she supported the watered down assisted dying bill.

Experts studying Edgar did discern a flicker of a smile when the US bombed Iran. He was heard to mutter something about everyone getting an assisted death now.

Photo by yerling villalobos on Unsplash