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Angry father calls in Neighbourhood Watch to protect kitchen

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An enraged father, Don, who has had quite enough unauthorised 'foreign muck' being ordered by his family for tea, has insisted that the local Neighbourhood Watch help defend his kitchen.


"There's a tide of it. Every night you get Olivia or Imogen on the text to these blokes with sneaky electric bikes. Next thing, under cover, they're delivering Indian, Chinese, Thai ... bloody Thai! ..., Greek food to our perfect English kitchen.


"These two daughters are just letting the flood of immigrant stuff pour in. Without them there'd be no demand for it. We don't need it and we don't want it. And it's a major cost to this household - it's all being charged to my card. My lovely English wife is more than capable of feeding us all with proper food, bought locally at the nearest Lidl.


"If I can get a few of the Neighbourhood Watch lads - or battalion, as we call ourselves - to intercept these ebike pirates at the proud border of the kitchen, or back door, we can just turf them out on their ears.


When asked if this local-only policy would extend to other rooms, Don replied, "What? With all the World Cup qualifiers coming up on my 69" TV in the living room? I need somewhere to drink my Stella, don't I?"



Outrage as report exposes blatant discrimination in maternity wards

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A recent extensive, expensive and far-reaching report, funded by the National Agency for Funding Research Into the Blindingly Obvious, has revealed that almost all the patients admitted to maternity wards were women.  'This discrimination seems to have been going on for - well, ages' said Doreen Seacow, spokesthing for the team which carried out this crucial report.  'And what's almost worse, the midwives employed there are overwhelmingly female.  The job-title doesn't help, and we're calling for these people, in future, to be known (no, not as "midhusbands" - that would be equally biased, and just silly) as "midspouses".'


'In future, we are calling for the funding of all maternity units to be withheld until they achieve equality in their admissions policy, even if this leads to the closure of some of them.  Apart from anything else this might save a whole load of money, which will ensure the government supports our demands.  And judging by the outcome of some recent inquiries and prosecutions, it might even result in a greater number of babies surviving the experience of being born in some of the more badly managed and incompetently-staffed of these units.'



BTP's New See it, Shout it, Sorted For Anti-Social Behaviour

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With commuters unable to avoid the British Transport Police's "See it, Say it, Sorted" campaign against potential terrorist acts, the force has now added advice for dealing with anti-social behaviour when travelling by public transport.


"Whether it's someone watching Tik Tok without headphones, or trying to surreptitiously vape into the ventilation grille and making the entire carriage smell of blueberries; the updated BTP app not only allows you to report this behaviour, but also uses AI to give you suitable put-downs so the people ruining your journey feel suitable chastised and possibly stop what they're doing," said leader of the project Superintendent Chalmers.


Within the new 'See it, Shout it, Sorted' section, users write a description of the act taking place and a witty insult appears within seconds. When tested with common things that would usually lead to eye rolling and tutting, results included, "Have you got any REM mate?", "Is that steam coming from your brain trying to add two and two?" And "Jet Fuel doesn't melt steel beams, it was clearly an inside job."


BTP promise future updates will include live translation, allowing you to shout zingers at people in any language, and - for the times hinting doesn't work - the ability to use your phone as a taser.



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