Parklife Gutlord gets revenge on fat-shaming Blur

The walker criticised in Blur’s Parklife song for being a gutlord and told to “get some exercise” says he has finally got his own back on the band.

Benedict Beetlebum has shed six stone since being fat-shamed by the Britpop stars more than a quarter of a century ago.

The 63-year-old says he is in the best shape of his life and is now demanding an apology from the foursome for causing 27 years of embarrassment.

“To be criticised by someone who gets up when he wants except on Wednesdays – and then merely thinks about leaving the house - is ridiculous,” said the former gutlord.

“My friend John – he’s still got brewer’s droop, sadly – wants to try to lose weight too.

“I told him it’s got nothing to do with your Vorsprung durch Technik: just follow simple dietary advice.”

Mr Beetlebum had hoped to hold a vigil in the park in support of obese people, but the home secretary, Priti Patel, refused permission.

A Home Office spokeswoman said: “We don’t want a bunch of fatties parading in public – that’s what the Conservative Party conference is for.”

Image: Pixabay/Bru-nO

E Viva España as Boris takes a well-earned post-party conference break in the sunshine	eBook, paperback and hardback	Derbyshire Destroyed

Traumatised shopper forced to use Lidl

A customer was left distraught after trying to complete their weekly grocery shop in a discount retailer instead of their usual supermarket due to the hordes of people waiting to fill up their cars. Mrs Hart decided that, rather than wait patiently in the queue to get into Sainsbury’s, she would shop in Lidl in order to give herself enough time to get to her pilates class later that morning. She now regrets that decision.

‘Before going in, I tried to make myself look working class by putting on the hi-vis waistcoat that I always carry in my Yaris in case of a breakdown’, explained Mrs Hart. ‘But I stood out a mile amongst all the horrid women in leggings that really shouldn’t be wearing leggings with their figures’.

Even accepting that she would probably be unable to get her usual superfood salads and kale-flavoured couscous, Mrs Hart was nevertheless disappointed that she was unable to discuss the relative merits of Iberico ham and prosciutto di Parma with the deli counter staff, primarily because there wasn’t a deli counter.

‘I saved quite a lot of money compared to my usual household bill but only because I couldn’t lower myself to buying pies instead of chicken and ham en croute, or pasta in tomato sauce instead of penne con pomodoro e basilico’, said Mrs Hart. ‘Some people might think they’re the same thing but my usual food emporium assures me that I’d be able to taste the difference’.

Image: Pixabay/StockSnap

"I'm not panic buying, I'm filling up while I can" says panic buyer

A motorist queueing to fill his already three quarters full tank has slammed panic buyers, while insisting he is simply taking the sensible precaution of filling up while he can, because of all the panic buying.

"With all of this panic buying going on I don't know when my local fuel station will have diesel again, so thought I should top up now." said Wayne Riley, without a trace of irony.

"Sure I'm not planning on doing any long journeys, I work from home, have Tesco deliver my shopping and travel an average of fifteen miles per week, but you never know do you?" continued Riley, who is definitely not one of these selfish people needlessly rushing out to buy fuel.

"It really knocks your faith in humanity when you see how everybody is just 'me, me, me' at the first sign of a problem." he concluded, while filling a third jerry can and putting it in the boot alongside the hundred toilet rolls that are still there from last spring.

Image: Unsplash/Jakob Rosen