Miserly London merchant welcomes Christmas shortages if they foretell of a shorter Christmas

is reported that Mr Ebenezer Scrooge, merchant of this Parish, has let it be known that Christmas this year will be much reduced in both its size, and, more importantly, in its expense, and that can only be for the betterment of mankind.

In support of this assertion, he cites the many shortcomings that will befall this festive season, many already reported by this august publication. The likes of poultry and game, pork in its many guises, and amusements for the children.

Mr Scrooge declares, “If small girls desire a little pony, then let them be sent to the mines where they may become acquainted with many such animals. And boys that crave the most recent game of warfare, let them take the Queen’s shilling and have their fill of mortal combat. And what are we to make of hanging a stocking upon the mantel in the hope of receiving gifts from some imagined jolly benefactor? The very idea. Far better, and more profitable for the household, that they be handed a brush and sweep the chimney clean.”

This most parsimonious Gentleman also decries the need for large roasted fowl upon the Christmas table. “In the absence of such extravagance I suggest a simple bowl of gruel. These years past I have found such to be amply sustaining and always readily available. “

Touching upon the subject of the ‘Christmas spirit’, Mr Scrooge became far more animated in his voice and gesture. “Humbug! I have experienced at first hand this Spirit and much good it did me. A thoroughly unpleasant experience where for a moment I was encouraged to enter fully into this seasonal folly and lavish largesse upon all and sundry. Thankfully I was able to regain my senses and put the whole distasteful business behind me, but not before I had spent far more than any man in his right mind should feel obliged to.”

photo; https://pixabay.com/users/perfectlypolished1-14755613/

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Tesco to launch three for the price of two refuse collections

As councils throughout the land struggle to cope with their duty to provide refuse collection services now that the majority of their truck drivers are now working for retailers, Tesco has been keen to address the impending disaster by adding refuse collection to the range of services it offers its customers.

To launch this service, the supermarket is giving a time-limited offer of refuse collection three times for the price of twice. Details of how this will work out in practice remain vague at this time, but a Tesco spokesperson was keen to point out that Clubcard points would be earned on every occasion that Tesco took away the contents of its customers' waste bins, which most likely contain unnecessary packaging and uneaten ready meals.

The spokesperson went on to say: It's a well known fact that Colman's made more money out of the mustard left on the side of the plate than was made from the mustard consumed, so we're very keen to learn what we're doing right for the sake of our shareholders.

'Collecting our customers' waste will allow us to analyse in a way that wasn't previously possible. We can establish in more detail what it was we were flogging that our customers didn't actually want, meaning we can focus our marketing to sell them more of it.

One customer, Deirdre from Wandsworth, thought it was the best thing she'd heard of in years. 'I'm really looking forward to having my bin emptied three times on the day the dustcart comes round, even if it costs twice as much. The bloody council wouldn't have dreamed of offering a service like this.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/bluebudgie-4333174/

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Man campaigning for 'green leave' because he got a new house plant

Pressure is mounting on companies to offer employees' green leave' when they acquire a new house plant.

William Smith has led the campaign after he purchased a medium-sized succulent from Homebase. He has argued that the plant suffers from separation anxiety - turning a 'shade of green' and 'looking depressed' when he leaves for work each day.

'It's been very distressing for both me and her' (William explained the succulent identifies as female and has confirmed its pronouns are 'she/her'). 'I must meet her emotional requirements, which I simply cannot do if I'm sat behind a desk being expected to work. Adopting a house plant is a huge commitment, and my employer needs to respect that and give me six months paid leave immediately'.

William is also demanding 'retrospective paid green leave' for all the house plants he has previously purchased, yet received 'absolutely no time off at all for, meaning he wouldn't return to work until early 2029.

William's employers confirmed they are reviewing his request but did reference the generous paid parental leave they offer, which William turned down when his son was born last year.

Behavioural psychologist Suzie Mittens said this is not unusual behaviour since babies are notoriously a 'massive pain in the arse', unlike house plants. 'Lots of people are starting to realise they are much better off leaving their partner to spend months knee-deep in nappies and taking time off to look after essentially inanimate objects. That way, they can enjoy it without the inconvenience of a small human crying and shitting everywhere. I'm hoping to launch a campaign myself for time off to tend my sourdough next summer'.

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