Deported migrant got more than £500

Border Force officials are pleased to see the back of an asylum seeker finally deported to Ethiopia today.

The press are reporting that the man was paid £500 so that he wouldn't make a fuss. Insiders say that he got a lot more than £500.

Our source said, 'That man was an ace negotiator. He was relentless. He asked for, and received, all kinds of amazing stuff.

'He got a signed photograph of Sir Mark Rowley, head of the Met Police, so that he could show his family who had lost out big time at hide and seek. He had to promise that he wouldn't share it with the press or post it on social media. He seemed very trustworthy, so our negotiators said yes. He also got Keir Starmer's wife's recipe for Lemon Cheesecake, the freedom of Epping, twelve sticks of seaside rock from Clacton, some nice clothes, and Sushi for the flight home.

'On the plus side, he has promised not to tell everyone in Ethiopia about the five hundred quid and the other goodies. So hopefully that will encourage Ethiopians to stay at home and not to take a trip to the UK.

image from pixabay

Farage: not enough racists in our adverts, these days

Leader of Reform UK, Nigel Farage, today attempted to double down on Reform MP Sarah Pochin's comments where she complained about adverts being 'full' of black and Asian people.

"Well, I think she's right", he told reporters, "and it's plain to see that in every advert on British telly, these days. And if that is the case, where are the good old fashioned British racists in these adverts. If we have a mixed heritage family sharing a Domino's pizza in the park, I want to see a middle aged white man sneering at them from a park bench. Or nasty old women shouting at some black children from her front garden because they walked down her street each enjoying a Magnum. It's only fair that all of Britain is represented."

Mr Farage went on to commit Reform UK to add a policy in their manifesto that a racist 'signer' will be in the corner of British TV screens that would automatically 'tut' and roll their eyes every time a Curry sauce advert was aired or a black person was featured in any positive sense whatsoever.

image from grok

Defendants claim President Macron is really a lowland gorilla

Ten people have gone on trial in Paris this week for claiming that the French President Emmanuel Macron is really a lowland silverback gorilla.

Conspiracy theorists point to the bushiness of his opposable thumbs and the thickness of his eyebrows. A video of Macron using a straw to scrape out a yoghurt pot went viral after people said it was just like the famous video filmed by the late naturalist Jane Goodall which showed a silverback using a blade of grass to scoop out ants from a tree trunk. Way to go Monsieur President!

His wife, Brigitte, admits that ‘Manny’, as she likes to call him, does like to swing on the bannisters at the Élysée Palace and has been known to beat his chest at election time. ‘But to suggest that he is a forest dwelling primate with the strength to fell trees is absurd’.

Nevertheless, the rumours persist which is why the Macrons have taken action. It is now likely that Macron will take a DNA test to prove that he is more human than gorilla. Meanwhile in an unusual move the judge has allowed a delivery of bananas when Macron is in the dock.

image from google gemini