Ten signs that spring is nearly here

It’s that time of year – blue skies, daffodils, strikes, snowdrifts and a new tax year. Here are the signs that tell you that spring is nearly here:

You’ve tried the mower and it didn’t start. You dimly remember putting it away broken in the autumn.

People on picket lines are wearing shorts and t-shirts, and look quite well tanned.

The shops are full of sandals, swimming cozzies and suncream.

The Daily Express enters its seventh consecutive month of Snowpocalypse headlines.

The price of Creme Eggs has gone up again. And they still don’t taste right.

You are heartily sick of reading newspaper articles about slimming, dieting and weight loss

You’ve received next year’s Council Tax bill and had to sit down to get your breath back.

You’ve bought lots of vegetable seeds to save on the food bill, but you will never plant them. This is an annual ritual.

Your partner is suddenly and unaccountably keen on you repainting or redecorating something in the house or garden. Never the car or the motorbike. Always the house or the garden.

There’s been a budget and you are worse off, again. HMRC has sent you at least six letters in brown envelopes about your tax code. Each one caused heart murmurs.

Something is threatening to bugger up the summer GCSE exams. It could be teachers, a pandemic, government incompetence, leaked papers, bolshie kids, Greta Thunberg. Something, anyway.

Family members have started opening windows again, with scant regard for the energy bill.

Broadcasters have run out of good programmes and are sneaking in more and more repeats. You regret cancelling all those expensive streaming services.

Extensive internet searches fail to reveal any holidays on dates that you want and/or that are within your budget.

Next door’s cat has started coming into your garden again, to take advantage of your lawn.

Your GP is offering appointments 2 to 3 months ahead, instead of 5 to 6, although the answerphone message is still going on about ‘winter pressures’.

Political scandals are reported from outside Number 10 in daylight, rather than total darkness.

Although you took out a gym membership in January, you stopped going long ago. And you are absolutely fine with that.

After a long, cold and dismal winter, you have lost the ability to count to ten.

Image: shell_ghostcage | Pixabay

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Rishi to heat swimming pool from GCHQ servers

The Prime Minister has accepted that paying to increase the local electricity infrastructure for his personal swimming pool in his constituency home at a time when swimming pools up and down the country are being closed due to lack of funds might be deemed inappropriate and, well, perhaps a little insensitive.

'The Prime Minister did pay for everything himself, and used local immigrants to build the swimming pool,' argued a spokesman today,' but in the event he feels that he's in a no-win situation. It's not like the Prime Minister can expect to use the local swimming baths for his morning swim flanked by armed bodyguards with waterproof Glocks strapped to their legs, even if it was actually open, can he?' he asked.

But the news that a Devon swimming pool has successfully managed to heat itself using the waste heat from a washing machine-sized server has inspired the Prime Minister to do away with using the local electricity grid and to use the waste heat from the GCHQ servers, turning the story into a green success story instead..

'It's not as though this heat is being used for anything else, so the public will be pleased that it is being used, and the minor two year delay to HS2 while the contractors focus on digging a cable trench from Cheltenham to Richmond is a fair price for the country to pay,' the spokesman said.

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/422737-422737/

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‘I was coming out at the junction anyway’, confirms Audi driver

An Audi driver who you helpfully double-flashed your lights at so he could come out of a busy junction in front of you into queuing rush hour traffic, was going to do it anyway, it has been confirmed.

'I'd definitely already started to emerge from the junction well before you flashed me’, confirmed sales manager Mike McBride.

‘And to be honest, I’d have come out even if you'd been going at forty miles an hour, and there was only a millisecond to complete the risky manoeuvre’.

‘Definitely no need for me to acknowledge your kind gesture with a raised hand, a quick nod of my head, or the universally recognised double click of my hazard lights to thank you’, noted McBride. ‘No, sirree’.

‘Things to do, people to see. My time is just way more important than yours’, continued McBride, studiously avoiding any eye-contact with you in his rear-view mirror until he was able to jump some traffic lights and accelerate away.

McBride has confirmed that he will see you on the motorway later, when he will undoubtedly be ignoring all the ‘lane closing’ signs until the very last minute, at which point he’ll nonchalantly pop his indicator on and expect you to let him move back into the middle lane.

Image: jl_creativespace | Pixabay

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