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    • Modelmaker
      • Jun 2
      • 2 min read

    Government to announce plan to help SUV drivers park their cars



    In an audacious plan to revive his flagging popularity, the Prime Minister has announced that from tomorrow morning, all parent and child parking spaces, along with the ones allocated to the disabled, will become SUV only parking spaces.

    We asked for clarification about the motivation for this move, but the civil servant we spoke to told us if we could ask her again in a few hours time, she'd be able to lets us know whether it was more than her job's worth to answer honestly. or if in a few hour's time, she was in receipt of her P45, she'd be keen to discover if her story was worth a few bob, or at least enough to be able to afford a bag of yellow-labelled pasta to feed her kids with.


    Deirdrie Spigot, the civil servant we spoke to, who asked that we didn't reveal her name, but we felt obliged to when Rupert Murdoch expressed an interest in adding Newsbiscuit to his portfiloio, told us she thought is a bloody disgrace that she will now has to wheel her elderly mother from the far side of the supermarket car park to discover that her mother had forgotten what she wanted to go to the supermarket for, but enjoys shouting obscenities at people she suspects own SUVs told us she is hopeful the insanity of current government policy might end with the demise of the current leader, but is fearful of Insanity 2.0, Johnson is replaced with anyone from the cabinet.


    Deirdrie's husband however, applauded the decision as the most sensible thing a government has ever done. "At last I can park my SUV in a parking space and be able to open the doors" he said.


    Gmc Yukon Sports Utility Vehicle - Free photo on Pixabay

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    • Lifestyle
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    • Modelmaker
      • May 30
      • 1 min read

    Jack Monroe to get BBC cooking series



    Jack Monroe, the heroic food poverty campaigner has beaten celebrity chefs in winning the contract to replace the popular series Can't Cook, Won't Cook after the other hopefuls pulled out once they were told the meal budget would be limited to 30p.


    The new show, entitled “Illegitimi non carborundum”, will show viewers with limited budgets how to dine as well as the inmates of Wandsworth prison are able to. Jack will in fact, be accompanied by ex-Wandsworth prison inmate, 'Double Barrel' Bruno who will not only act as a judge of the quality of the meals, but demonstrate useful tips on how the budget can be extended by beating the shit out of Eton students until they hand over their dinner money.


    Politicians have been invited to appear on the programme, but so far only Labour, the Lib Dems and SNP have responded to the invitations. Ian Blackford is seen to be particularly keen to complement 'Double Barrel' Bruno’s advice with oratory to accompany why the extortion of pocket money from Eton students, is a kindness they won’t regret.


    BBC logo on a building during daytime photo – Free Northern ireland Image on Unsplash

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    • Modelmaker
      • May 29
      • 1 min read

    Government to rely on party donors to help with Jubilee bunting shortage


    Retailers are reporting a shortage of bunting ahead of the Queen's Platinum Jubilee festivities. The shortage appears due to the government buying up all the flags on the market to decorate No.10 with for the lockdown parties. Whilst some retailers have suggested that revellers could get their children to make some, the cost of printer ink is a deterrent. Grandparents Alf and Ada Higgins told us "We thought it would be a nice thing for the grandkids to do over the half term holiday and went to buy some printer ink, but there was no way we could run to those prices on our pensions and be able to afford a crate of brown ale to toast Her Majesty with as well. Tory donors have offered to help however, saying they can always be relied on in an emergency to order goods for government use. Pig farmers, ferry companies and fishermen have already stepped up to the plate.


    Image: Pixabay/PublicDomainPictures

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