London Council Announces Groundbreaking Plan to Ignore New Petition of 100,000 Signatures

A well-known London Council, celebrated for persistently ignoring residents’ opinions on matters that deeply affect them has launched an innovative plan to completely ignore a new petition supported by 100.000 people.

“We are very excited to announce that we will be ignoring the petition of 100,000 signatures. But that's not all —we’ll also be ignoring any court result, public activism, environmentalists, and, in general... everyone.”

The council reassures that a comprehensive review process has been undertaken to ensure nobody has been listened to, no opinions have been considered and no voices have been heard.

“We will keep engaging with all residents to create more dialogue opportunities where no listening will be involved” , said the lead councillor. “This has only been possible thanks to all the public feedback initiatives that have been hosted with a deep sense of indifference”

“We really need to hear what community groups and local businesses have to say so we can be more precise when it comes to completely ignore them and implement our already made decisions”

“Even if some people may want to be heard, most of the people certainly want to be ignored, we can’t please everyone, can we” , said the councillor.

The governing body has also communicated the new plans for public consultations, where all community input will be recorded on scented paper and cute stationery, then used as wallpaper in the Town Hall, to ensure everyone feels a deep sense of belonging.

image from pixabay

author: Alba Late

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National Service for Over-50's Approved

Following a YouGov poll showing that the majority of over-50's supported the reintroduction of National Service, the government has made the decision to reintroduce the form of conscription last seen in 1960.

"As the Prime Minister said yesterday, defence has changed in the past few years," said Admiral Insurance, head of recruitment for the Ministry of Defence. "When we've looked at jobs in the modern armed services, age is actually an advantage rather than a detriment. The over 50's are the only demographic to have a great deal of at-sea experience thanks to their predilection for Cruise Holidays; all we have to do is ensure there's a shuffleboard deck and we'll have filled the Royal Navy and Auxiliary."

Passing over to his deputy, Commodore Amiga, the MoD went into further details, telling us, "We've essentially reversed EDI policies and are after White British Men; in particular those who drive White Vans for a living. We believe their ability to find gaps where none rightly exist and their suicidal tendencies on the motorway make them perfect drone pilots for kamikaze missions."

At Clacton's branch of Wetherspoons, reaction to the news was a mixture of shock and horror. "Well, I just wanted to see Nancy-boys crying as they got their pink hair shaved off and a Sergeant-Major yelled at them," said one patron now facing deployment under the new policy. "I thought this generation needed toughening up. The Army wouldn't want me, I fainted watching Full Metal Jacket."

image from pixabay

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Dodgy salesman feels stupid now

Dave (34) is a salesman. He’s always believed himself to be adept at straddling the boundary between truth and bullsh!t, keeping his claims credible so he can close the sale.

‘I genuinely believed that customers would show me the door if I said something ridiculous’, he told reporters. ‘Like claiming that our double glazing will cure cancer, or generate limitless wealth, or telling a dissatisfied customer that their condensation is caused by immigrants. I just thought people had some common sense. Having seen the rise of Trump and Reform, I feel a bit silly now’.

Dave is one of a growing number of sales professionals (we use the term loosely) who have started to question their very existence. ‘How did we not know this?’, he asked us. ‘I’ve done sales training, I even read a book once – nobody ever told me you can tell literal fairy tales and people will still bite’.

Dave is now undergoing training in post-truth sales techniques. ‘The important thing is to have a hate figure. I’m going with “sash windows are woke” as a starting point. I’ve had some success telling people that sash windows cause pronouns. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure what a pronoun is, but I know they’re bad’.

At this stage it’s unclear whether politics is the new double-glazing or vice versa, but we’re pretty sure we’re all f*cked!

image from pixabay

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