Meghan’s new cookery show teaches you how to Photoshop a lentil

The new Netflix series, With Love, Meghan, launches on January 15. But already the fan of the Duchess is raving about some of the astonishing food hacks contained in the lifestyle-promotional televisual plea for absolution and lots, lots more attention. ‘I bought myself a House of Sussex notebook and pen and made copious content notes. And – as Meghan advised - finished each with a heart and smiley, and other emojis, to detract from the imperativeness of the standard cooking advice lexicon.’

Smiling pan-racially at every moment, the Duchess welcomes culinary neophytes into a cutting-edge world of insta-conscious gustatory presentational techniques. And what she has unleashed in sustenential positivity is being talked up in some quarters as full karmic compensation for all those years of Covid. For this is not your average cookery show. It is the full, para-royal inversion of a genre.

In the trailer for the series, Meghan can be seen picking produce from her garden and warmly ignoring her father. Back in her Montecito kitchen, while Harry cleans the oven with a very old toothbrush, Meghan spends the first hour of the show thanking her ‘amazing team’ one by one. Using words such as ‘fantastic’ and (again) ‘amazing’ she says that she is ‘beyond grateful for the support’, leaving viewers pondering how ‘beyond grateful’ might take form in language or emotion.

Then it’s down to business! Lentils, the Duchess explains, don’t look good in most close-up shots, even the red ones that are actually from India. So Ms Markle walks viewers through the process of using image editing techniques to make tasteless brown mush gleam like the diamonds worn by the whore played by Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. While the food on the plate looks about as appetizing as Walsall street pizza, the resulting image would make you want to eat the screen through which it fakes.

At which point the show ends, leaving viewers gasping at the ingenuity of the knowhow, the smiliness of the Duchess, and the fantastic, amazing teaminess of the team. But be careful! Despite the Duchess’s heartfelt encomiums for a delicate moderation in all things diet, With Love, Meghan is product you might just want to binge. 

Editor's note: The best interpretation we can make of the term 'beyond grateful' is 'not grateful any more.'

Picture credit: deskpilot

Harry and Meghan save LA

Harry and Meghan have been handing out food to residents affected by the wildfires in Los Angeles as blazes continue to sweep across the region.

They comforted volunteers and handed out samples of Meghan’s American Riveria Orchard goodies to evacuees. Recipients were thrilled to receive individual portions of exclusive foods, including Matsutake mushroom pate, Kopi Luwak coffee, and Caciocavallo Podolico cheese. ‘These pseudo-royals know how to live it up,’ trilled one lucky recipient, ‘but to be honest, I’d have preferred a burger.’

Meghan had dressed down for the event, and was wearing a blue LA baseball cap. She was photographed speaking to a distressed celeb, telling her that she knew what it was like to have your world turned upside down and to end up with nothing.

Meghan told reporters, photographer and influencers, ‘We didn't come out here for publicity.  We came out here to help our neighbours overcome this terrible tragedy.   Would you like to try some of my Densuke watermelon?’

Picture credit: Wix AI

What the changes to Facebook mean for you

Facebook has stated that it will comply with anything Musk tells Trump to tell Zuckerberg.  With immediate effect, it will cease checking facts.  You read that correctly, apparently up to now it has been.  Well, to be fair, it checked the facts it passed to Analytica a few years back.  Sort of.  Anyway, for those concerned what this move means, here is how it will affect you.

Cat videos will almost certainly be AI generated.  By cats.  They have always controlled that part of Facebook.

Photographs of half-eaten meals will almost certainly be fake.  At least we can hope they are fake.

Videos of people falling off buildings in comedic ways will remain to be fake.  Unless they originate in Russia, in which case please look away.

Adverts selling tat nobody needs at exorbitant prices will remain. Adverts selling useful stuff at prices too good to be true will remain too good to be true.

All your private and personal data will be sold to anyone and everyone.  That wasn't part of the deal, it's just how Facebook works.

A government spokesman stated that the government is unconcerned about the changes to Facebook.  'As far as we can tell the only people still using Facebook are geriatrics, and as we've choked their ability to pay for electricity over the winter they almost certainly won't notice the changes.  We're certain we can squeeze more cash out of pensioners by the spring, so they'll continue not to notice the changes.'

Concerned citizens are recommended to change their social media to Friends Reunited, their search engine to Ask Jeeves, and to avoid sharing their personal details with their cat.

Photo by Glen Carrie on Unsplash