Starmer joins hand over of the sausages

Months on from his infamous speech, Sir Keir is adamant that he did not misspeak and that Oct 7th was all about bangers- and not the bomb kind. While Hamas have agreed to release Israeli hostages, Starmer is insistent that the sausages be released first. A spokeswoman for No.10 said: 'Sir Keir has been clear from the start. No sausages. No deal. And yes, he would like some chips with it.'

'It is inconceivable to suggest he said sausages by accident, because he was cynically exploiting a massacre while thinking about breakfast. The PM has always backed the bratwurst. He condemns Hamas, who are probably all vegan anyway.'

'He remembers clearly a string of sausages and being chased by a crocodile. The audience were shouting at him. His wife, Mrs Judy, hit him with a stick and-hold on...yup...yup...it was a dream. Sorry, as you were.'

Tories set out their new pollicies

The Tories got a lot of media attention for their misspelled chocolate bars with 'Britian' written on them at last week's party conference..

Keen to cappitalize on this, and to secure more meeja attention, the Tories are publicising their misdirected policies with misspelled press releases.

The top pollicies are:

Abbolishing stamp duty on houses, to help the ritch

Stopping asilum seakers

Abbolishing the sentencing council, and the spelling counsel

Leaving CHER

Raising standards in educayshun

A spokeswonk denied that the party was deliberately misspelling things in order to attract Reform voters.

photo by https://unsplash.com/@sandym10

Donald Trump wins Nobel Participation Prize

The Nobel Foundation, based in Sweden, today announced that Donald Trump has been awarded a special Nobel Participation Award in recognition of his active role in global politics, physics, chemistry, peace, medicine and literature.

'Today, we dedicate this shiny medal (perhaps the shiniest of all our medals) to Donald Trump,' said Gustaf Leifsson, a spokesperson for the Foundation. 'His participation in every award field literally cannot be overlooked. He's been everywhere and trying his hardest in every field. We're happy that he is awarded this special prize that will never be awarded again. It's completely unique and probably the best one.'

The medal is a golden replica of the Peace Prize and is accompanied by a large gold chain; a golden hat emblazoned with "I made Nobel great again"; golden shoes with wings on them; and a bejeweled sceptre. The overall prize fund is valued at upwards of six hundred euros if you factor in the McDonalds voucher for a free Happy Meal party.

Mr Trump is said to be delighted with the recognition but scolded the committee somewhat for not recognising his handsomeness and his golf swing.