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Prisoners literally game the system using Monopoly cards

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Multiple prisoners walked out of HMP Wandsworth yesterday after a Monopoly Set was dropped by Chance from a passing delivery drone. Several prisoners used the “Get out of Jail Free” cards on a confused and overwhelmed Parole Board. Two more rolled doubles and ended up going free, one with bonus Free Parking, amazing in itself in that area of London.


One fraudster bribed a guard for just £50. To the guard’s dismay, the money wasn’t even real and was only printed on one side.


David Lammy was unavailable for comment as he was celebrating his £10 win on coming second in a beauty contest.


In response the Ministry of Justice has issued tough, draconian new prison guidelines. A spokesman explained: 'We've come up with a rather clever scheme. As convicted prisoners leave the dock, a security guard will accompany them to a holding area in the court known as the cells. There they will await the arrival of transport to bring them to jail. Upon arrival at the prison they will be shown into their new accommodation and the door will then be locked. Why no one's thought of it before is somewhat puzzling. What silly old sausages we've been.' 

 

Hat Tip Chipchase



Reform Uk to adopt a cell structure for maximum opacity

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Reform UK Ltd. will now be formed into individual cells where each Reform member is only associated with two others. Thereby if one member is doing something “ a bit naughty” or “ treasonous” then all knowledge of their existence can be happily denied by the rest of the organisation. Lee Anderson might form a cell on his own because of that smirk he does every time he farts.


The Senior Directors of the Reform UK business model are to be protected at all costs of being racist-adjacent or in the vicinity of bribes. The new policy emphasises 'full opacity' as transparency might hinder project Make Nigel Wealthy Again.


Distancing phrases like “She only made the tea”, “Who’s he?” and “Lots of people stand behind me whilst I am photographed celebrating Brexit” will be much more common.


Even if a high-ranking regional commander - of, say, an entire country like Wales - is arrested, they will be distanced from other senior members and Farage damage will be minimal. The use of this cellular structure limits the harm caused by hostile groups, such as investigative journalists and voters with critical thinking abilities.


Nigel Farage promptly explained every detail in a free party-political press conference available on all major channels.



Mortgages added to give curriculum a fantasy setting

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Ministers are recommending that students now study things they will never have, like jobs, affordable health care and the abstract concept of hope. Originally mortgage management was to be part of the maths curriculum, but it now sits in English Literature alongside other works of fiction.


For those who are more serious about mortgages there is an extra history module, where owning your own house is traced back to the fall of the Roman Empire. There will also be courses to learn how to spot AI, delivered by AI and where every piece of work submitted will be by an AI.


Those graduating will be qualified to rent a property of their own choice, provided it is one room for £2000 p/m. They will then have the option to study a PhD in "how I'm paying my landlord's mortgage, while I eat gruel".



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