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New plans to 'improve' school for SEN children

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As schools struggle to fund staffing, appropriate facilities and resources for the increasing numbers of SEN children in mainstream schools, the Education Secretary has unveiled her latest sensible, well thought out and definitely non discriminatory idea to educationalists.


The elegant solution to the lack of resources is to tie helium balloons to the children and tether them to a pole for the day. The poles will have the alphabet, times tables, quadratic equations and Latin inscribed onto them, so the children will undoubtedly learn these as they happily bob up and down.


Other educationalists, themselves unburdened by compassion or relevant experience were quick to support the idea. 'Think of the money we'll save!' said one. 'Ad astra' she went on joyfully, 'as long as the children remain tethered.'



Autumn budget to pause all national inquiries

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Faced with a bad financial situation, the Chancellor is expected to put all National Inquiries on hold for twelve months. This will save loads of money.


A government spokesman said, 'Inquiries already go on for far too long. They never deliver any good news. And they make everyone look bad. They are just an expensive exercise in self-flagellation.


'For example, that blond tosser stirring things up at the COVID inquiry.  Everyone is walking out of the child grooming inquiry.  None of this is helpful. Public Inquiries cost over £130m in 2023/4.  That's a lot of nurses.'   He paused, staring into the middle distance.  'A lot of nurses,' he murmured.


'Ahem!  Pausing all current Inquiries - and not starting any new ones - will give everyone a rest and time to think. Inquiry staff will be redeployed to other duties - tending trollies in A&E, processing asylum seekers and prosecuting anyone who tips over their coffee in the street.'


'Inquiries will definitely start up again in a year's time, subject to affordability.  Given that most of them move with glacial slowness, a year off will just seem like a long lunch break.'



Revealed: Horizon computer system runs prisoner releases

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"After a thorough investigation into our pathetic tendency to release hundreds of prisoners a year by mistake," a spokes-revolving door for the Prison Service told reporters, "we have narrowed the problem down to our computer system.


"It's called 'Horizon'. Does that ring a bell?


"Every day, it spews out random names. Yesterday, it told us to set free Mao Tse Tung, Desert Orchid, Rick Astley and the Bay City Rollers.


"Once in a while, it comes up with the name of someone who's actually in one of our establishments, such as 'Hadush Kebatu', and we let them go - thereby obliging the police to launch a huge manhunt.


"Horizon was the computer system responsible for all those sub-postmasters being wrongly accused, you say?


"Well, in that case, justice is being done. Horizon banged them up by mistake and now it's releasing them by mistake. It's proof the system's working perfectly."



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