Trump: Selling out Ukraine is easy when you really don't care

'People who hate me say: Sir, Sir, how can you sell out Ukraine like this, you vile son of a bitch?' Donald Trump told a rally of adoring cockroaches, snakes and skunks.

'I say to them, look at it this way. What do I get out of backing Ukraine? It's an impoverished, resource-poor country in the middle of nowhere and I can't charge them anything if they win.

'But if I back Russia and they win, then there's loads of billion-dollar side deals to be done on oil, gold and real estate in Moscow with dozens of slimy oligarchs and my goblin pal Putin, the bigliest kleptocrat dictator in the history of the world.

'And how can I manage to do that? By not giving a damn about what happens to Ukraine. That's easy. I genuinely don't.

'Then people - very stupid people - say: 'Sir, what about the cause of freedom?'

'I am standing up for freedom: the freedom to make as much money as I can while I'm still President.'

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Trump to run for French Presidency

'Failing Emmanuel Macron has been totally letting down the French people with these riots,' wrote US president Donald Trump on his media site, Truthless Sociopath.

'That's why I am going to change my name to Jean-Con Donald Le Trompe, wear a lurid red beret, and do the job properly,' continued the post, which included an off-putting video of Trump chomping on a hamburger wrapped in a baguette.   

'Have you French rioters even thought yet of storming the National Assembly? My supporters stormed the Capitol in Washington and ransacked it for hours, and I pardoned them all afterwards. That's what I mean by doing riots properly.

'And all you French riot police who've been getting grief for firing rubber bullets and hurling grenades at the rioters. I'd let you do what ICE agents do in the US - shoot people out on the streets with high-calibre handguns at point blank range and never get prosecuted.'

'The president is eminently suited for the role,' said a White House spokes-escargot, 'since he eats French fries for breakfast, lunch and dinner and dreams about French kissing every blonde on his staff.

'And the President will be bringing some traditional, wholesome American political values to the degenerate French,' croaked the spokes-grenouille.

At press time, Donald Trump was posting pictures of the Arc de Triomphe in Paris with a vulgar Arc de Trompe built on top of it, vowing to change the name of the Champs Elysee to the Champs Ivanka, and offering every French voter a 5,000 euro election bribe.

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Chancellor to put economy in bowl of rice overnight

To kick start the UK, the Labour Government has set out a series of practical steps – such as wrapping the National Debt in cling film to “keep it fresh” and applying a strip of duct tape to inflation. Said the Chancellor, 'These are meaningful measures — now if you’ll excuse me, I need to blow the lint out of the stock exchange.'

By turning the economy off and on again, it is hoped that we can reboot it in Safe Mode— although we are unlikely to reload public services. Tough measures include putting the housing market in a bowl of warm water to “loosen it up” and trying to reset wages by poking a paperclip into a tiny hole.

Said a Treasury spokeswoman, 'We will tighten the fiscal screws with a butter knife, give the budget a gentle tap with a wooden spoon and try to glue productivity back together.' She paused. 'It was suggested we stick a pound coin under the nation’s wonky table leg and prop up the economy — but that was felt to be a bit risky, as we are down to our last pound.'

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