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Suella Braverman to join the Great British Break Off


From our correspondent in the snug of the Dirty Duck.


'There is general uproar here, as I text this report. It's Dodgy Dave's birthday, and he's been buying rounds since the pub opened. From what I can hear off the telly, in a surprise move Suella Braverman has been signed up to join Great British Break Off. The 'reality' show where people come to try out half-baked ideas in the Reform tent. 


'Recent entrants have been Robert Jenrick with his Blackout Cake. He was unable to remember anything he said or did before 15th January. A week ealier it was Nadim Zahawi with his Chocolate Fudge Cake. Very rich but who's counting the pounds? Last year included Nadine Dorries with her Nutty Meringue Cake - well beaten till fluffy and with a hard shell


'In other news, Nigella Lawson has joined the Reform Party.


(You're fired. Ed.)


Image: Lockjaw



Trump signs up fellow warmongers to the Bored of Peace


"I've made a billion dollars off the backs of everyone around me, I've conquered Greenbackland for America, and I am the proud holder of someone else's Nobel Prize," gloated Trump.


"But I'm not a great war leader yet, and I deserve to be," he said, watching his minions beat ploughshares into swords and fuel up 500 Minuteman nuclear missiles.


"That why I'm going to start World War Three right away, alongside everyone else in my great new Bored of Peace group.


"I've got some truly bloodthirsty guys signed up already, who all think the past 80 years of peace have been crashingly dull. They're my fellow tyrants in Russia, Saudi Arabia and Belarus.


"For some reason, all the snowflake liberal democracies of Europe don't want to join. But Putin, Lukashenko, MBS and I can't wait to send millions of kids to their deaths from our reviewing stands and then award ourselves a whole load of bogus medals. The only question is who we're going to pick on.


"I wish I could be going with you," lied Trump, addressing terrified conscripts over the radio from the safety of a nuclear bunker.


"But I can't, because I've got these pesky bone spurs in my chicken feet and my tummy's feeling very yellow."



Trump claims to have ended five winters


President Trump has claimed that he has "ended 5 winters in just 5 years" in a social media post with the title "the president of summer".


His latest addition to his list of winters "ended" is the months-long chill between 2025 and 2026.


The other four were between 2017 and 2021, in his first term as president.


A number of these winters were unusually mild, due to global warming which Trump denies - and one of them had little in the way of cold to end.


It is also unclear whether some of the recent mild temperatures will last.


He has publicly stated that he should be awarded the Nobel Prize for Nice Weather. However, his chances may have been badly impacted by the recent chilling atmosphere over Greenland.



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