Defendants claim President Macron is really a lowland gorilla

Ten people have gone on trial in Paris this week for claiming that the French President Emmanuel Macron is really a lowland silverback gorilla.

Conspiracy theorists point to the bushiness of his opposable thumbs and the thickness of his eyebrows. A video of Macron using a straw to scrape out a yoghurt pot went viral after people said it was just like the famous video filmed by the late naturalist Jane Goodall which showed a silverback using a blade of grass to scoop out ants from a tree trunk. Way to go Monsieur President!

His wife, Brigitte, admits that ‘Manny’, as she likes to call him, does like to swing on the bannisters at the Élysée Palace and has been known to beat his chest at election time. ‘But to suggest that he is a forest dwelling primate with the strength to fell trees is absurd’.

Nevertheless, the rumours persist which is why the Macrons have taken action. It is now likely that Macron will take a DNA test to prove that he is more human than gorilla. Meanwhile in an unusual move the judge has allowed a delivery of bananas when Macron is in the dock.

image from google gemini

One in, one out policy doesn’t apply to animals

The Home Office has confirmed that the one in, one out policy for asylum seekers will not apply to animals.

A recent test case involved a foreign asylum seeker called Noah, who arrived in a small boat with lots of animals. Two of each kind of animal, in fact.  Officials considered deporting some of the animals under the one in, one out policy, but lawyers advised that this could be considered inhumane. They considered deporting Noah, but they didn’t fancy looking after all the animals. ‘That boat is pretty smelly,’ confided one Border Force official.

A spokesman said that the Home Office always kept its policies under review and that, although the agreement with France did not appear to extend to animals, it was arguable that it should. However, for the time being, Britain is not prepared to take a case to the European Court in order to get a definitive answer.

image from pixabay

Met Police hold victory parade after capturing Kebatu

"We managed to find a wrongly released prisoner who was hanging around in plain sight without shooting him, or stamping on his head and then covering it up by fabricating witness statements," boasted a spokes-Taser for the Met Police.

"That's why we're organising a victory parade for ourselves from Chelmsford to Finsbury Park, handing out the Hadush Kebatu Victory Medal to everyone involved in the complex task of tracking him down when he had told us where he was.

"We can be truly proud that we managed to apprehend someone within two days who wasn't actually trying to hide from us and managing not to arrest someone else instead, like Mr Ed the Talking Horse, and beating them senseless in the Charing Cross station cells."

image from google gemini