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Burnham promises hot weather for everyone

In a bold policy announcement the new PM said he would guarantee hose pipe bans for 23 million people. As he toured Britain he claimed that he would ensure no rain for even the poorest and that amber heat-warnings would be made affordable for all. Opposition leaders countered by saying he was just taking credit for things already happening, while the Green Party suggested that 35C might not be good — but who listens to them anyway.


Sceptics had suggested that the extreme weather was due to decades of climate change, but Burnham insisted that it was his bold vision that was setting the nation alight — literally. A spokeswoman said, ‘Too long have we suffered with full reservoirs and a lack of skin cancer, but thanks to Andy the UK will soon become a world leader.’


Only Labour would ensure an uncomfortable night’s sleep, she explained, ‘Yes, the National Farmers Union are warning of food shortages, but look—at least the drought is giving potatoes a chance to become instant crisps.’ Meanwhile the PM said it was his plan all along to make the bikini the national dress and boost the aircon sector. ‘Everyone’s laundry dries so fast it’s basically solar powered ironing’.




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With 34 candidates, Clacton voters complain of 'Far too much democracy'

'It's so confusing' complained 104-year-old Ethel Filliblanket 'I always usually used to vote for those nice Whig people. I wonder what happened to them?' 'No, I prefer to waste my vote by voting Liberal' said her young friend, Gladys Carrot, 98, 'But I haven't heard anything from them this time. I do hope they're all right.'


'I'm gonna vote for the prime minister, Andy Binman, the one with the glasses.  No, not that other one, Keir Starbin, although the glasses are identical' claimed Kevin Doorstop.  'But there are too many bins, really.  What day are we supposed to be voting them out?  Is it the Green Bin Party this week, or the Black Bin Party?  Are they allowed to have a Black Bin Party nowadays - isn't that discrimination?'


'Look, it's perfectly simple' said retired Field-Marshal Admiral Coriolanus Corncrunch-Croddlethorne 'With a name like mine, you don't have any choice in the matter. You just have to vote for the Nasty Wicked Evil Party, obviously. Except I can't find them anywhere on the list, so I don't know which is best - to vote for the Even Nastier, More Wicked-and-Evil Reformatory Party, or the Completely Nasty, Utterly Wicked and Absolutely Evil Restoration Party.  Actually, that last lot sound quite good.  Everyone enjoys a good comedy!'


The latest opinion polls suggests that it's likely to be a landslide win for the People's Democratic Popular Monster Raving Loony Binface Resurrect-Britain Front.  Unless some other candidate gets more votes, of course.  And, suggests our NewsBiscuit correspondent, 'That's assuming that, in this furnace-like heat, anyone can be arsed to trudge all the way down to the polling station, read all the way though through the tedious, long list of sad twats who are standing for election, eventually choose one of them, then tick the box, and somehow manage to fold it up and cram all of it into the ballot box.'


'Heaven help the poor sods who'll have to spend weeks counting all this crap.  Imagine the never-ending confusion and chaos if we had some damn-silly Proportional Representation system - half the voters would have a nervous breakdown.  Let's just hope they eventually manage to actually complete the count before Clacton's next by-election in a week or two.'




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Government announces all future laws to be based on emotion

The Government has announced a radical overhaul of the legislative process under which laws will no longer require evidence, consultation or any consideration of unintended consequences, provided something sufficiently upsetting has happened in the previous 48 hours.


Under the new system, ministers will be able to introduce legislation immediately after saying: “As a father, I was horrified.”


“This is 2026,” said a Home Office spokesman. “The public simply doesn’t have time to wait for facts. When something terrible happens, people want to know that the Government has immediately made something else illegal.”


The new procedure, known as Emotion-Based Legislation, will begin with a photograph of the victim, followed by interviews with grieving relatives and a television presenter asking a minister: “Surely something has to be done?”


Ministers insist the reforms will make Britain more responsive.


“For too long we have allowed lawyers, experts and people who have actually read the proposed legislation to obstruct the democratic process,” said the Justice Secretary. “The important question is not whether a law is necessary, proportionate or enforceable. It is whether you can look that family in the eye and tell them you oppose it.”


Civil liberties groups expressed concern that laws made in the immediate aftermath of shocking events have historically tended to be badly drafted, excessively broad and difficult to repeal.


Their comments were condemned as “insensitive at this time”.




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