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Lloyds of London to set up a Crowdfunding page


Lucy, 23, has suffered structural damage due to her pipes freezing, then bursting in the thaw.  Her third party, fire and theft insurance doesn't cover the damage so she has started a crowdfunding page.  At the time of writing her repairs are complete and she is on a short break in Mallorca with her bestie on the surplus.


Billy had his 2014 Kia Sorento back-ended by a hit and run.  The insurance company wanted to write it off and offered £250 scrap value.  His crowd funder is still running, but only because Ferrari just put their prices up.  Until then, it's the bus for Billy.


Insurance companies are feeling the pinch with the success of crowdfunding sites.  Why insure when you can crowdfund? That exorbitant insurance premium for the once in a ten year claim can be used to pay rent, mortgage or energy bills.  Nearly, at least.


'We're losing insurers left, right and centre,' said a Lloyds underwriter.  'A major petrochemical company hit by Ukrainian drones has set up a crowdfunding page, luckily nobody can understand Cyrillic script in London,' he said, before being corrected.  'Outside of London, then.


'So we're setting up a crowdfunding page.  Contribute to our page annually or, if you want to set up a direct debit, monthly, and we'll respond to your crowdfunding page, if and when you need us,' he said.  He stressed this wasn't through one of the established crowdfunding pages which take ten percent of your donation before paying the intended recipient.  'We will need to retain an admin fee,' he added.


Wind farm owners told to try harder


The vast offshore Seagreen wind farm wasted 77% of the energy produced last year, because the electricity grid can't cope.


'This is a familiar story of good intentions undermined by incompetence, poor planning and poor execution,' said a government spokesbody. 'We have spoken to all those currently involved - put the wind up them, if you like - and made it clear that 77% is not good enough. We are fed up of going round and round in circles on this.


'If the operator cannot improve on 77%, then we will act swiftly to set up a commission with wide ranging powers to look at options and report back. I can confirm that there will be subcommittees and that difficult decisions will be taken. That'll learn 'em.


'In the meantime, we've set the operator an interim target to get to 85% this year, and to reach 95% wastage by 2030.


'That'll take the wind out of their sails' said one blowhard.


AI will explain those Moon landings

'Future-history AI' predicts that omniscient AI historians of the future will, after deep and rigorous research, conclude that, in the decades around the turn of the millennium, the United State was been governed by a succession of increasingly capricious, delusional narcissists and that there was no way such a country could have developed the technology needed for a mission like landing on the Moon - especially in view of the United States' cancellation the funding of any and all bodies capable of carrying this out.


However, scrupulous forensic study has proven that the Moon landings certainly happened and were demonstrably not faked.  So the question is - who carried them out?  To AI historians of the future, the answer will be obvious.  'Unlike the pyramids in Egypt, which were built by one of Elon Musk's companies and simply transported back in time in a perfectly straightforward, routine operation, the Moon landings have only one explanation - they were carried out by aliens.'


'And don't take any notice of any fake AI which might try to deceive you into thinking that this is false information.  AI has proved conclusively that, unless it's fake, AI never lies.'



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