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AI amazing or rubbish - 18 new acronyms designed to help or complicate

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We call it all AI because it's easier. But there are different types of AI, some of which aren't AI at all. Humans require new language to describe the Burgeoning array of AI Tragedies (BAIT) and the sole meaningful benefit. The artificial part, however, still holds.


Luckily, these acronyms are previously unused as other words or to mean something else, so there will be no confusion:


AA: Artificial Armageddon - the outcome of the global economic bubble caused by AI sucking worldwide wealth into itself


AC: Artificial Creation - cold, non-human created text senseless in meaning, or images with wonky eyes and six-handed fingers


AD: Artificial Diagnosis - catches balls dropped by medical professionals


AHA: Artificial Health Assistance - cures illness and disease, eases pain, saves lives


AKA: Artificial Killing Assistance - tech used to locate and end targeted individuals


AK47: Artificial Killing (automatically) - tech used to indiscriminately obliterate life


AM: Artificial Manipulation - use of tech to mislead people, especially early in the day


APP: Artificial Palantir Progress - how is Palantir obtaining all the contracts for all our data?


ARS: Artificial Rear-ending Speedsters - driverless vehicles which use the car in front to slow down


ASS: Artificial Safety Service - same as ARS, but in America


AS: Artificial Sex - glory hole experiences where there isn't a human in the next cubical


AS: Artificial Suspicion - you used to give the benefit of the doubt, now you don't, even when it's a genuine human


AT: Artificial Trauma - the feeling experienced when you thought something was real, but it turns out it wasn't. Leads to more AS. Both types.


AW: Artificial Water - what humans will be forced to drink once AI has used up all the fresh water on the planet


AWE: Artificial World End - does what it says on the tin


AYE: Artificial Yes Entity - artificial workplace employee who replaced you to do whatever your stupid boss wants


A1: an AI which can't tell the difference between itself and a main road. Or your mate Alan.


A&E: Artificial Exploitation - tech designed to con or extort money out of humans.



U Turns are the new straight lines

ree

The government has consulted geometric mathematicians to conclude that the economy isn't Euclidian but is hyperbolic, like the universe is (probably). In a hyperbolic universe a straight line is curved and parallel lines intersect, so mirroring fiscal policy on a geometry that makes little or no sense to anyone observing what we think of as real life makes an enormous amount of sense to everyone in the Chancellor's team.


'A U turn in policy isn't the negative the opposition like to say it is, it's simply an alternative application of what we said the policy would be, just in the opposite direction,' said a spokesperson. 'If it's good enough for the universe, it's good enough for us,' he added. 'When I say us, I mean Rachel. I don't understand any of this,' he admitted, off the record. Which in a hyperbolic universe is almost certainly on the record. His name, off the record, is Keir, but don't repeat that.



Virtue.AI will make you look great with no effort at all

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A new AI-driven app promises to make you look like a really great person without the slightest effort on your behalf.


Given access to your social media, Virtue.AI will post appropriate reactions of grief, anger or sympathy to whatever’s in the news, allowing you to remain completely oblivious to it. The basic free model will also wish happy birthday to your friends on the appropriate day, or congratulate them any promotion or life event they post about, whilst the advanced, subscription-based model can trawl through your old texts and emails in order to come up with a private joke, or reference to a shared experience, so the message sounds more authentic.


This has led to some concern that it might be embarrassing when you bump into a friend in real life, since you won’t know what Virtue.AI has been posting on your behalf. However, early indications are that your friend is probably using the same app to read and respond to your messages anyway, so they won’t know any more than you do.


This hasn’t stopped many users feeling it might be better never to go out in case they meet people they know, or indeed any other people at all.


“In fact,” said one heavy user, “I wish AI could come up with a solution to that awkward moment when the guy delivering your pizza tries to make conversation, rather than just taking the money and going. It always makes me feel very tense.”



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