MI6 Delay Tehran Nuclear Efforts By Using British Project Managers

New head of MI6 Blaise Metreweli has unveiled her first success as "C" within the secretive organisation; the successful delay of Iran's Nuclear Weapons programme through the covert installation of UK-trained project managers with experience of major infrastructure projects into the regime.

"I'm very happy to disclose the effectiveness of Operation Gantt," said SIS Spokesperson Harriet Palmerston at a Press Conference today. "Recruiting people to the intelligence services used to be a tap on a shoulder in an Oxbridge College following lectures; nowadays it's the corridors of a civil engineering firm after yet another status meeting announcing a schedule slip. We identified several potential agents due to their natural ability to obfuscate and leave teams hamstrung. Thanks to special training in sounding promising but delivering little delivered by former contestants on The Apprentice, these operatives have been able to keep Tehran a year from having an atomic bomb for the past decade."

Palmerston then explained the next steps for the operation, "With their work largely concluded due to the military action in the area now removing Iran's capability to enrich uranium, these people have been extracted and will be returned to their roles in the Civil Service delivering such projects as the Lower Thames Crossing and Heathrow's Third Runway. It's felt some of the managerial techniques they've picked up while deployed, such as beatings and ritual beheadings, are just the kind of motivational tactics these programs need to really get them moving."

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Wimbledon tennis to use virtual nets

In a controversial move, the Wimbledon tennis tournament will use virtual nets on the main courts from next year.

Wimbledon will be the first grand slam competition to use virtual tennis nets, although line calls have been computerised for some time. Wimbledon is keen to be the first to use the new technology, which, surprisingly, was developed in the UK.   A spokesman said that it was the logical next step for tennis in the twenty-first century and would make the game fairer. In a nod to tradition, a physical net will still be used for the men’s singles final.

The system has been tested exhaustively. It can survive a racket attack by Novak Djokovic, a verbal onslaught from Andy Murray and the disappointment of another Emma Raducanu collapse. Although the on-court computer will decide which shots have hit the virtual net, the umpire will continue to have the final say.

The top of the net will be indicated by a red laser light shining between the net posts, indicating where the net cord would be. The rest of the net will be simulated by white laser lights. The lasers are low power devices, and won’t harm the players much if they fall into the net.

The players’ association is debating the removal of ‘net-cord jeopardy’. Some argue that shots that are deflected by the net-cord are part of the excitement of the game. Others say it’s unfair for key points to be decided by fluke shots. And another group says that jumping a laser net at the end of the game won’t be as much fun.

The tennis authorities are keen to confirm that the new technology will have no effect on the chances of an English player winning Wimbledon, which remain at virtually zero.

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Man who looks older than his age did have tough paper round

A criminal whose unflattering photo appeared on Facebook alongside a news story about his latest drug-dealing offence has confirmed that yes, he did actually have a really tough paper round when he was a teenager.

Michael Doyle, 40 was given a 3 year jail term for supplying class A drugs, according to the local news story, with the general consensus in the Facebook comments being that he should do the time for his crime, but also that he had clearly been prematurely aged by the severity of a casual job he must have had delivering newspapers as a child.

‘Listen, yes, it’s true, I did have a particularly brutal paper round in 1998-1999 in the Squires Gate area of Blackpool when I was about 13 - thanks to all those who have commented and recognised this and who obviously empathise with my plight’.

‘I only delivered papers at the weekend - those broadsheet papers had about 10 different sections. Remember the Culture section in the Sunday Times in the 1990s? It weighed about a kilo on its own. Imagine lugging 20 of those around the Squires Gate area up past the pleasure beach - it was a a bloody backbreaker.’

‘Even just lifting a copy of the News of the World was a feat of strength. Those were the phone tapping and Fake Sheikh days and they took up about 30 pages every Sunday along with the usual mildly xenophobic stories’.

‘I was diagnosed with rheumatism at 30 and have had carpal tunnel problems and posture problems since my 20s. I must look about 65 in that police mug shot where I’m staring vacantly into the distance, as hundreds of people have kindly pointed out. Certainly wouldn’t use that one on my Insta profile. lol’

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