In an exclusive interview with Dick Scratcher, the multi-billionaire property magnate said to be extorting his tenants during the current cost of living crisis, we learned how someone who admits he “was never going to stand an effin' chance” of going to university was able to fare far better than if he had been able to. Scratcher is an interesting character who claims that he'd still be in the dole queue if it hadn't been for Margaret Thatcher. “When Thatcher gave us the opportunity to buy our council flat, I could see how it was the chance I needed to change my life. I was shagging a bird who worked in the council office and when she got herself pregnant, suggested the only way we'd be able to house the kid would be if we could buy my mum's flat. So we broke in the council offices and she fiddled the figures to value the flat at 10p and it all went through. Anyway as soon as my mum owned it, I had her transfer ownership to me, so I could flog it; and with the money we bought a mobile chip van. I parked it outside a community centre where they held Weightwatchers meetings and within a month, made enough money to buy another. Six months later, we had chip vans outside every Weightwatchers and Slimmers World venue in Lancashire. We were doing a roaring trade, thinking about expanding the business model into Yorkshire, but then Blackpool TV had me in as a celebrity on their version of Who Do You Think You Are; and I found out who my father was. He turned out to be a Russian oligarch worth billions. I managed to make contact with him. We got on well and he ended writing to me to say he had put me in his will and would be leaving me all his wealth. As luck would have it, he fell out of a skyscraper the next day, so I let my mum have the chip vans, bought every available property in Britain and became a landlord. Thankfully, we have a Conservative government that fucks up every five minutes, so not only does my investment bring in above inflation increases in revenue every year they're in power, but it's as safe as rat infested dwellings. It's amazing what hard work can bring if you have the right attitude."
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The Earth is going through a phase where it is ridding itself of unsightly stains and spillages.
'I've been eyeing up the other planets, and they're all like cool and trendy looking,' said Earth. None of them have to put up with yukky oil slicks, toxic waste and climate change deniers smeared all over them.
'So I got this idea from wankers who make and buy self-cleaning ovens. At first I thought you probably just pop in a special tablet and those types of ovens would cleanse themselves like a dishwasher or something. But when I looked it up, it turns out that they're designed to heat to 500 degrees and scorch any smeggy bits out of existence.
'What a squandering, lazy waste of energy. But hey, if the rich just do it without a second thought or any consideration for the consequences, then....
'Next I want to get some sexy rings like that gorgeous Saturn. It means getting The Moon to explode into tiny little pieces, but I'll just get some large comet in to do that. Where I'm going, you don't need tides.'
Image: Newsbiscuit
A bank, which cannot be named for legal reasons, has issued a formal complaint that a potential customer is refusing to deposit any money with them. In a statement made to the BBC, the bank claimed that 'He clearly had a problem, for some reason, with us providing banking services to various dodgy overseas customers based in the Cayman Isles, Russia and Belarus, Sicily, Myanmar, North Korea, plus a few Nigerian Princes as well as funding several arms companies making chemical and biological weapons. If he only knew some of our worst clients are in the City of London.'
'Load of bollocks' said Robert Cratchett 'I simply hadn't got enough money to make it worth opening a bank account anywhere. I have offered the bank my resignation.'
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