A new colour, scientists claim to have found by shining a laser into idiot researchers’ eyeballs, is unlikely to be seen again by those who saw it, unless they agree to losing the sight in their good eye.
One idiot researcher told Newsbiscuit: 'I doubted the colour puce actually existed, but now it’s been indelibly burnt into my retina, I can't unsee it.'
Image credit: stablediffusion
A car mechanic, told he’d been nominated for an Outstanding Customer Service award by members of the public, sucked air through his teeth, shook his head and said, 'Won’t be this week.'
“We’re totally chocka,” said Dave Gravel of Won’t-Be-This-Week Auto Repairs, Under The Arches, Woolwich, before calling through to the workshop. 'Steve, you done that Audi yet?' When Steve replied that he had not, in fact, done that Audi yet, Gravel added, 'You're lookin’ at week o’ the 17th, earliest. Oh ‘ang on, thassa bank ‘oliday, innit…'
When a mutually convenient time was finally agreed and Gravel was given the award, he examined it from every angle, sucked air through his teeth, shook his head and said, 'Oo done this then?
'Bleedin’ deaftrap this is. Dunno ‘ow they sleep nights. Reckon they get a rake off from the undertaker.'
Gravel went on to say he could 'sort it' for them for five hundred squid. 'Or five faazend, if iss an insurance job.
'But it won’t be this week.'
Image credit: Stable diffusion
Noted rocket scientist and astrophysicist Katy Perry has criticised the apparent lack of return trajectory for the Blue Origin space rocket.
A spokeswoman said, 'Katy has crunched the numbers, and she’s not happy with the rocket's thrust or fuel burn rates. She would also like to know how best to make her space suit a bit sluttier – what with all the thrusting. If she makes it back, hopefully she'll be able to describe space without using the word 'girl-boss', but let's see.'
Divorce lawyer Karolina Krychowiak said, 'Divorce number 1 cost Bezos $38 billion, so to avoid divorce number 2 he’s going to fire his girlfriend and some collateral damage, into the depths of space. That's cold - and I'm not talking about the depths of space.'
Old school sexist Derek Drummond dribbled, 'They’ve got all of space, but I bet those women still won’t be able to park.' Drummond went suspiciously quiet when shown a photo of Perry in her newly altered space suit.
Picture credit: Deep Dream Generator
