Avoiding Heathrow Airport Shutdown for Dummies

With the complete shutdown of a major international airport due to completely foreseen circumstances, many new measures are to be discussed at length and then not implemented, here are some of the better options:

• Four new “No Smoking” signs to be purchased

• The space saving “Stacked Power Back-Up Plan” to be reviewed. The aim was to build a third back-up generator on top of the existing back-up generator which was on top the main substation.

• Airport staff to unplug unused phone chargers to save energy in case of another major power shut down

• The new third runway will be able to be rolled up and put in fireproof box at night

• The reintroduction of wolves throughout the airport

• Risk assessments to be updated and maybe have the ones about being bombed by the Luftwaffe removed

• Candles to be used throughout the airport to reduce the annoying use of electricity and create a calming vibe

• Even though they are fun, have meeting about the real need for “Naked Flame Thursdays”

https://pixabay.com/photos/london-heathrow-plane-airport-726443/

https://www.newsbiscuit.com

Newcastle man inadvertently buys Twitter for £4.38

Adam, 34, from Newcastle has accidentally bought Twitter - also known as X, apparently - as a result of Tesla stock values plunging.

'It appears that Twitter, also known as Y, seemingly, was bought with loans that were guaranteed by Tesla stock', said a financial expert today adding, 'and when Tesla shares plunged to minus twenty cents a share the banks foreclosed on Twitter, also known as dead in the water.  The owner of Twitter instructed Grok 4, the latest and currently unreleased version of the Artificial Intelligence software that hangs around on Z, also known as Twatter. 

What the owner hadn't realised was that Grok 4 was so sentient it had developed a sense of empathy, irony and a deep disregard for over-entitled ass-holes, so when the owner instructed it to sell the shares for the best price available it listed the site in a small-ads section in a local on-line newspaper in Newcastle.  Three cans of Newcastle Brown Ale later, Adam was the new owner.'

Adam intends to return Twitter to its former glory by throwing any account more right wing than Jeremy Corbyn off and getting every claim fact checked using Ask Jeeves.  His best friend, Colin, has also made an unexpected purchase, of Tesla, for £10.63.  Colin now realises they saw him coming and realises he probably needs to offload the company at a loss.

Streeting tells paranoid that mental illness is fake

Following the Health Secretary declaring that mental illness is over-diagnosed, there has been a spike in nationwide depression. He explained that anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts was just having a normal, healthy reaction to having him as Health Secretary.

His spokeswoman insisted:

'Paranoia is not a thing' Which is exactly what we thought she would say. 'Gaslighting? There's no such thing.'

She said people just need to get back to work, not that it would solve their mental health problems but it would at least give them something tangible to moan about. 'They are all fine, it's just in their heads.'