Americans ‘proud’ of their craven submission to workplace bullies

In an otherwise divided America, workers have united to praise America’s feudal employment laws.

‘We’re not pussies like you Europeans’, said one American, probably called Brad or something. ‘We work hard, we play hard. If our manager wants to f*ck us up the ass – well, that’s the American way. Most Europeans wouldn’t survive a week in an American company.’

Most Europeans agree, citing such effete frivolity as employment law, the right to some kind of a life and self-respect, a concept which has yet to make it across the Atlantic.

Brad, or whatever his name is, disagrees: ‘Listen, if Elon – or any rich guy, basically – demands to know what I achieved last week so he can sack me on a whim – well, that’s what made America great.

Have you seen that picture of the guys sitting on a girder in the sky? That’s America. Scared of heights? So plummet to your death, weakling. We’ll applaud.

Britain used to be great, too – you had those chimney sweeps, they were fantastic. And I saw four guys from York Shire on the TV talking about living in a newspaper in a septic tank. I passed their details to HR – they sound like they’d fit right in here’.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Greggs Reveal Shop Opening Algorithm is Just Map and Dart

With arch-rival Gail's Bakery revealing their expansion strategy is controlled by artificial intelligence, with an advanced algorithm choosing new locations based on a variety of parameters; high street stalwart Greggs admits a more simple technique for selecting where to place new shops: a map and bucket of darts.

"We looked at algorithms," said head of growth Lyndsay Biscuits, "trying to factor things like the location of other eateries, footfall, proximity to public transport hubs, and that kind of thing. It all got much easier when we just decided that anywhere was good and we could sort it with a chuck from the oche. It's only backfired twice: once when Luke Littler was here on his work experience and put a tight group together, which is why we've got those two branches within ten yards of each other in South Shields; then again when a bent flight meant we applied for planning permission in the middle of the Severn Bridge."

The popular high street chain then revealed that more of their business thinking is driven by elements of chance, with innovation manager Margarita Square explaining how the firm creates new products. "It used to be time consuming," she said, "focus groups, market research, trials, refinement, it just went on and on. All we have to do now is make a vegan version of something we already sell, stick it on the shelves and wait for GB News and Piers Morgan to lose their rag and give us hours of free advertising."

Image: Pixabay/echapman

Boss offers no credible explanation for wanting to ‘lock in’ a meeting time with you

Your boss who has indicated that he wants to lock in a meeting time with you, has no previous experience as a pub landlord, prison warden, safe manufacturer or any other occupation that might explain the use of the term, it has been confirmed.

Peter Jones, made the request for 15 minutes of your time for a 'quick catch up'. Yet your vague response of ‘I’m free later on Tuesday and have a bit of space Thursday’, has quickly escalated on his part into a tactical battle for a midweek meeting slot, and the unnecessary use of imagery which suggest that you are meeting to confirm and activate nuclear weapon codes and passwords.

Having enquired with colleagues you haven’t been able to find any evidence that he was a locksmith, although many did note their desire to lock him into a suitable storage cupboard on the fourth floor of your office block.

After the meeting with you has indeed now been locked in for 330pm on Wednesday, Jones has also confirmed that for an agenda, ‘everything is in play’, despite having no experience as an American football referee or sports betting odds-setter.

Image: Pixabay/Aymanejed