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Other scientists annoyed that rocket scientists get all the glory




A consortium of scientists today issued a statement expressing their annoyance that “rocket scientist” has somehow come to mean a super-intelligent person.



“I’m working with sub-atomic particles, things so small that they’re literally affected by photons of light striking them, making them almost impossible to observe in a neutral state,” said Professor Dave Grolsch of Cal Tech. “Let me tell you, that’s hard. I’m not sure what’s so impressive about blasting a hunk of metal into space.”



”Exactly,” said Dr Steve Herschenheimer of MIT. “The work I’m doing with nanobots could lead to cures for conditions that kill thousands of people every year. But sure, let’s give these guys a parade for finding out Mars is made of rocks.”



The statement was co-signed by a number of surgeons, pissed off that brain surgeons are getting all the glory.



“Oh, you think the brain’s the only important organ? Really? Have you tried living with liver failure, or without your heart pumping blood around your body? No you haven’t, because it’s impossible.



“But those brain surgeons think they’re so damn special. They won’t even sit with the rest of us in the hospital canteen.”


Man sniffing in Middlesborough raises new pandemic fears



The man was sitting on a bench killing time before catching the 21A back to his home in the Raverston Park area of the town when he first sniffed. A passer-by witnessed the sniff and immediately called the government emergency telephone number 444, set up for members of the citizenry to mandatorily use should they come across an incidence of public symptomology. Failure to inform on a sniffer will result in dismissal from work and legal penology.


The sniffer –‘Sniffer X- has been compounded in an unrevealed location while men in hamzat suits extract fluids from his experimental physiology, pending a lab report on his worth and viability as a human, going forward. Meanwhile, residents of Middlesborough expressed their gratitude to power. ‘Thanks to the lightning speed reactions of the authorities, I can sleep safely in the knowledge that Sniffer X might be dead tomorrow. But I will be fine.’


Pandemics occur when foreign bodies enter the human immune system and disrupt its regular uninfiltrated system of non-sickness before being passed on to people you don’t care for anyway. The sniffer had apparently paid no heed to years of clear instruction on how to be a pure body of antiseptic conformity. Many are calling for his capital punishment. ‘He didn’t follow the rules,’ said a resident holding a baby. ‘He must pay the price.’


Meanwhile, Lidl is still open. ‘We have no plans to close until official ministerial diktat. Our eggs and milk remain on sale.’ KFC also moved to qualm public fears that there might be a forestallation in the breadcrumbs supply chain. ‘So far we are still covering both boned and breast chicken pieces in breadcrumbs and a secret recipe nobody actually gives a shit about,’ said a spokesman, suppressing a sniff.



Man hospitalised after drinking homemade water



A Stoke man is in intensive care after consuming two cups of water he made while watching his first science documentary. The documentary, narrated by someone with Attenboroughesque gravity of credibility, made mention of the fact that water is a naturally occurring concoction of two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom. The man then isolated the compounds and mixed them together with disastrous results.


Lacking high-tech lab equipment, he used his toothbrush mug as a crucible, meaning his moonshine H2O was suffused with poundshop microplastics. His second mistake was to measure out the compounds by hand, leading to a way off guestimate of the measures required. Thirdly, he doesn’t really know what hydrogen and oxygen are. And fourthly, he was very drunk.


A neighbour said, ‘I heard him clattering about in his kitchen through the walls. Walls are very thin in Stoke. We’ve complained to the council about them but…’ After reminding the neighbour of the main topic, she added, ‘He’s always making stuff at home. Last month he offered me some of his homemade chocolate. But I refused. He’d clearly used cabbage.’


The man is not the only person to revert to self-generation of essentials in straitened economic times. A Bristol student was warned to simply breathe in what’s around him after he set fire to his dorm following a botched attempt to concoct his own air. While a family in Napper valley near Crest-of-the-wave neath Oldham are still awaiting charges of selling bottled farts as Tibetan wallpaper adhesive. On the issue of homemade water, a government spokesperson reiterated, ‘Those caught not drinking state distributed tap water will be shuttered, clamped, audited, unpersoned, and their address published in the sky.’



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