The Met Office has sent out a warning that cold air will sweep parts of the UK during February, with snow and ice expected in many northern regions.
'It will feel cold,' confirmed a spokesman, 'so wrap up and keep warm,' he suggested.
In other news it is expected that every day of the month will end with night falling, Trump lying and Musk over-reaching.
In a new cost-cutting measure, it was announced today that the police service will be disbanded and replaced by an email autoresponder.
'We’ve been paving the way for this for years,” said a spokesman today. “You report a burglary via a website, you get an email giving you a crime number, and then literally nothing else happens. By now, no one in their wildest dreams imagines a copper will actually come to their house to take a statement or dust for fingerprints, let alone that their property will ever be recovered.
'The email will include a link to Victim Support, though obviously it’ll be provided by AI rather than an actual person. You’ll be asked how much the crime has upset you on a scale of 1-10, then the system will respond with the appropriate level of transparently fake sympathy.'
However, some have objected that while this might be OK for trivial crimes like burglary and assault, it’s entirely inappropriate for serious crimes like sexist language and refusing to respect someone’s preferred pronouns.
The NHS is to increase efficiency by changing the way that patients access healthcare.
Under new proposals, patients will have to sign up for a free ID, then use that to login to a secure NHS website and put their mobile number in, so they can receive a text with a secret code. This code can then be quoted to a robot that they call on an NHS hotline, which will allow them to choose from a menu of symptoms by pressing the phone buttons.
The answers will then be posted under a secure login on another NHS website, which will require an email account so that they can receive updates about the service. Then their answers to the multi-choice questions can be accessed by the free ID login to enable the booking of a phone consultation with a robot healthcare assistant.
'But the good news is that its still a free service,' said a government insider.
