The 7 most annoying corporate phrases of 2025... so far

You've been back in work for a good couple of weeks into the New Year, more then enough time for you to 'decant' your boss's incessant use of gratuitous and meaningless corporate buzzwords in seemingly every single meeting and presentation 'going forward'. Here's a 'playback' of some of the most annoying:

'In my wheelhouse' - the origins of this phrase, used to indicate expertise in a particular area, are hotly debated by etymologists and social historians alike. Some connect it to nautical navigation with 19th century steamboats having a 'wheelhouse' containing the steering wheel. Others point to baseball journalism in the 1950s, with a batter's wheelhouse being the strike zone area where they have the most swinging power. Whatever it is, it certainly shouldn't be used by Pete, your regional sales manager, to boast about his ability to construct a basic Pivot table in Excel.

'Feed-forward meeting' - increasingly popular alternative to feedback meeting, used by your boss to give the impression that you should all be focusing on the future rather then reflecting on previous problems and issues. That said, he'll regularly remind you in the meeting of your shortcomings and general incompetence, just to keep you grounded.

'Take a look under the bonnet' - used by white-collar middle managers to describe having a closer look at a tricky management issue, such as signing off a holiday request or installing an updated version of Word on their laptop. Sometimes accompanied by physically rolling up sleeves on a shirt for extra effect. Designed to convey an image of being happy with manual labour and getting their hands dirty with a car engine, in reality, your team leader Mike doesn't even know where the screen wash goes in his Ford Focus. Dipstick? He most certainly is.

'My spidey sense ' - slightly weird turn of phrase taken from Spider-Man to indicate how your boss feels about something. The only reasonable response to this is to quote other famous phrases from the franchise back at them, such as sagely pointing out that 'with great PowerPoint slides comes great responsibility' or 'it's the menu choices for the weekly team catch up that make us who we are'.

'Strong headwinds' - more typically uttered by airline pilots experiencing challenging flying conditions 6 miles above earth, your boss Sarah has appropriated this phrase to get across the immediate dangers to life that are brought about by having a competitor firm who produces a broadly similar dull-as -shit product as the one that you make which might make your trading environment a tad more difficult.

'In the weeds' - is your boss Monty Don? Or does he or she head up a landscape gardening team? No? Thought not. Then they have absolutely no reason to use this phrase to describe a tedious work task that is moderately difficult, as in 'I'm really in the weeds redrafting this terms of reference document'. See also 'turning over the soil' and any retro tongue-in-cheek references to 'making hay while the sun shines'.

Best in class - is your boss a farmer, or someone giving out prizes at a weekly cattle auction? No. Again, thought not. So please don't allow them to sully the life work of your humble Hereford cow or Gloucester Old Spot pig by referring to your latest piece of sales tracking software with this moniker. See also 'Premier League' and 'Tungsten-grade'.

Image: RonaldCandonga - Pixabay

Users go wild for new We Want Your Information App

The app released on Google Play yesterday promises to steal every piece of information harvested on your android phone, including a full history of suicide and porn searches. We Want Your Information was developed in China late last year in response to a rival app called We know who you are and what you think. But users complained that this app was cumbersome, requiring more than one key stroke and taking longer than six seconds to steal all of your closest secrets.

We Know Who You Are And What You Think also failed to alert users when a fresh piece of information was stolen. 'It was glitchy,' said one. 'But We Want Your Information is slick. I really feel denuded and naked after downloading it, like the company has a portal to my bank account and greatest fears.' The app, released with the full collusive blessing of governments around the world, not only steals information. It also has a lurk function which users can switch on to be heard in toilets and family arguments.

With rumours of an update arriving soon, users are expressing the hope that We Want Your Information will have a camera option, allowing it to film and upload instantly to any social media site it desires footage of users' most shameful public and home interactions. 'I love that We Want Your Information doesn't ask for permissions. It just accesses whatever the hell it wants.'

But there are opponents of the new app, a minority of naysayers who think that there is an issue surrounding the ethics of choice. They are questioning why We Want Your Information is an optional download at all. 'In 2025 so-called 'individuality' is a relic of the last century, which, as we all know, was a terrible one. We Want Your Information should be mandatory and social points accumulated or docked according to user compliance.' An Apple version with slicker theft aesthetics is expected to follow.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Evolution going into reverse, says Attenborough. Also, Trump sworn in.

Scientist, national treasure and brother of the Jurassic Park bloke, Sir David Attenborough, has wowed the scientific community by providing proof that evolution has finally started going backwards.

In a paper presented to the International Science Gang, Sir David cites many examples of this phenomenon.

'The rise to prominence of such armpit-scratching, knuckle-draggers like Trump, Musk and Tate is a sure sign of this,' he told the BBC.

'Their three syllable names will soon regress to two syllable names and by 2030, society's 'alpha-males' will just be identified by grunts and whistles. Reality TV shows will get worse with I'm a Celebrity taking part in a real jungle where contestants won't get to leave, Love Island will just be a resort to breed large-breasted, sloping-fore headed dipshits and Britain's Got Talent will just be people on stage throwing their faeces at Simon Cowell. So, it won't be all bad'

He added, 'Within one generation, human beings could be back living in caves, wearing the skins of their enemies to keep warm, and eating the Deliveroo driver.'

However, not all scientists agree. Professor Brian Cox told us, 'Human beings do not have the upper body strength to climb trees any more and, most kids couldn't do it if they had a ladder, their helicopter parents won't let them do anything considered even remotely so dangerous as physical exercise.'

He continued, 'I'm not the one from Succession, by the way.'

Image: ottielie - Pixabay