Santa under fire for using drones

The skies over New Jersey have been filled with weaponized little helpers. Rather than a traditional sleigh, Santa has out-sourced his job to a branch of the Pentagon, with the codename - Slay Shells Sting, Are You Listening.

The drones are programmed to drop parcels down the chimney if you have been good, and Semtex if you have been naughty. Test runs have already been done in Gaza, but according to the CIA everyone was on the naughty list.

Americans were alarmed to see the drones, but not so alarmed as Rudolf, who only then found out he had been sacked - Xmas sacked. Said one General: 'Its lovely weather for a sleigh ride together for two, but it's also a perfectly clear sky for a surgical strike on your nearest and dearest. Come dasher, come dancer, come FIM-92 Stinger.'

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Police move quickly to investigate 1920's bank failure

Police are investigating possible crimes by Farrow's Bank and employees and external lawyers, following the failure of Farrow's Bank in 1920.

Three suspects have already been identified and placed under posthumous caution and there are plans to interview others next year, clairvoyance permitting, according to police.

But no one will be charged until officers have read the final report from the separate public inquiry, almost 105 years after concerns were first raised.

Len Castleton, a sub-Postmaster from Bridlington in North Yorkshire was bankrupted in 1920 after the failure of Farrow's Bank.

According to his daughter, 111-year old Beryl Castleton, he said in 1950: "I can't understand why it's taking so long, I can't understand why things are having to be gone over and over and over... But you know, never give in, we'll get there." .

Some 100 officers from around England and Wales are now working on what they've called Operation Pharaoh which began in 2020. The investigation will be led by the Metropolitan Police in London.

Commander Doug Trowelman, who is leading the investigation, said: "We have got, we think, over 3,000 people affected in some way, by Farrow's Bank. So it's huge and we have got to put in a commensurate number of officers and clairvoyants to help with conducting interviews"

The first phase of the investigation will focus on those making "key decisions", as if it were possible that some are still alive. A second phase will cast the net wider, potentially taking in those senior Farrow's Bank executives, who are expected to be very dead by now.

The investigation has also launched an online portal to allow the many descendants of those affected and others to submit evidence to the investigation, in the unlikely event that any of them have details of what their great great grandparents suffered.

Officers are already working with 1.5 million documents in the case and expect this number to grow into a nice rich gravy train that lasts for the  whole of their careers.

Lessons learned in this speedy response can be applied to the Horizon Post Office investigation, which is expected to conclude in an even more timely fashion. "Some of those involved in that case might be less dead when it finishes" said a police spokesman.

Photo by Robert Bye on Unsplash

Crumbling sewer system danger to fleeing robbers

The utility companies responsible for Britain’s waste water infrastructure have today acknowledged the system can no longer be considered safe and have issued advice to vagabonds escaping capture to hightail it above ground instead.

Recent surveys by hi-viz people with tripods noticed that masonry falling onto their hard hats could possess a danger to villains without hard hats making a quick, albeit foul-smelling, getaway, knocking them unconscious and exacerbating the problem of clogging.

Utility accountants believe the extra manpower involved to unplug chancer stiffs from key intersections could raise domestic bills by two hundred percent over the next decade and twice as much before. Loftier economists predict the irretrievable loss of stolen valuables from such incidents would have a devastating effect on the UK’s post-Brexit deregulated economy.

Defective structural integrity within a main sewer recently forced the closure of London’s trendiest gin bar: a hollowed-out fatberg below Covent Garden, called ‘Rubber Johnny’s’.

The bar’s owner, who had spent three years carving out the interior of a solid block of fat the size of a single-decker bus, was reportedly devastated as he’d suffered four near-death asphyxiations, endured a Heimlich manoeuvre to remove a disposable nappy from his windpipe, and lost valuable custom.

Although sightings are yet to be confirmed visually; workers with university degrees spreading blueprints out on a table believe rats the size of furry crocodiles, and crocodiles the size of four-legged whales, are the main perpetrators of brickwork damage. To a lesser extent; decades of underfunding leading a failure to maintain routine wear and tear.

The government has promised substantial nodding to claims for financial support, but believe the monumental task of renovation of public sewers remains the remit of water companies. Comment from the water companies was asked, but none received, as they are currently enjoying their Christmas parties in Las Vegas.

Photo by Martin Brechtl on Unsplash