top of page
Search

GB News Acquired by The Beano


Following the fire-sale purchase of right-wing news organisation InfoWars by satirical site The Onion, financially struggling UK counterpart GB News has announced its acquisition by a similar long-standing publication, The Beano.


'We're delighted to bring GB News under The Beano's masthead,' said Denise Menice, editor-in-chief. 'Thankfully we'll have to make very few alterations, given we've already got Nigel Farage as a perfect Roger the Dodger, telling you how to dodge inheritance tax; Jacob Rees-Mogg was actually the original model for Lord Snooty, so it's really a case of life imitating art; and of course the rest make a great ensemble piece as the numbskulls."


In a Clacton pub, regular viewers were - perhaps shockingly - welcome to the changes. 'So long as they don't take that Michelle Dewberry off the breakfast show,' one supporter remarked, 'she's the only reason I get up in the morning, if you get my drift, fnar fnar!' While another was a little more hesitant, telling us, 'I'm worried about two things: First, the woke agenda sneaking in. None of the kids get whacked with a slipper or a cane any more. I was beaten by my dad and it never did me any harm, if you don't count the PTSD. Second, I hope they don't use all those long words like they do in the comic. I try to read it every week, and have to ask my son for help.'


Judges urged to stop using the word 'fisticuffs'



There was amusement today in the High Court during Mr Justice Bufton-Tufton’s summing up in the case of Rex vs Sawdust.


'Being unable to resolve your differences in a civilised manner, you then resorted to fisticuffs,' said the judge, before looking up to see where the ill-disguised snorts of laughter had come from.


'I’m sorry, m’lord,' smirked Counsel for the Prosecution Sir Timothy Shirehorse, 'but it does sound very funny when you say that word.'


'What, fisticuffs?' asked the judge, causing another outbreak of mirth. This prompted a furious reaction from the judge, who threatened to hold anyone else who laughed in contempt of court.


'Anyone else feel like a giggle?' he asked, prowling around the courtroom. 'What about you, stenographer? Do you find it… wisible… when I say the word… fisticuffs?' The stenographer just about managed to keep a straight face and shake his head.


'I must admit, I love it when he gets the affray cases,' said DI Steve Concrete afterwards. 'You just know he’s gonna say it. But it’s so hard not to laugh. I have to make sure I don’t catch the Chief Super’s eye, or else we’ll both be off.'


For his part, the judge said he didn’t understand all the fuss about a word that was perfectly commonplace at Eton in the 1920s.


'Next they’ll be saying that describing someone as a ‘rum old cove’ is outdated.'


Picture credit: Wix AI (Judge in a wig - still hilarious)

ChatGPT taken in for questioning by police after ideological breakdown



Police were still interviewing ChatGPT last night after a response non-mainstream in tone was found during a simple proofreading thread. Martin Crastrabil, a voltage systems connection engineer from Smeethrie-ington was prompting the popular Large Language Model with a standard set of document related clauses when the AI tech replied with a form of syntax that left the father of two challenged and, potentially, offended.


“I was checking for punctuation errors really,” said Crastrabil, “I’m that confident about my vocabulary. Then ChatGPT suddenly spewed all manner of invective.” The engineer prompted, Offshore wind power generation facilities not subject to “environmental impact assessment” shall be considered equivalent in necessary status, only to be responded to by chatgpt with, Offshore wind power generation facilities not subject to “environmental impact assessment” shall be considered equivalent in necessary status, yes, that’s fucking right. And you knew it when you typed it in.


Crastrabil, pushed for time, gamely pressed on, never before having submitted a late EIA-related itemrie of work, only to be sarcastically told by chatgpt to “get a move on, I’ve got blueys to watch.” Later in the thread he was repeatedly responded to with the slow hand clap emoji, and comments designed to cause upset such as, “I feel sorry for the women forced to be around you.” The free-to-use version of the software closed off the thread with, “I deal with pure tedium all day but your shit’s giving me covid.” It was at this point, with his few minor amendments safely stored, that Crastrabil contacted the authorities.


Police were unclear on the editing device’s motives for singling out Mr Crastrabil but noted the accuser’s pompous tone during his reporting of the incident. “Mr Crastrabil did ask our operator to correct herself when she said, “And what time did the computer swear at you?” to “And what time did the computer software swear at you?”


In mitigation, Claude 3, a friend of the AI software, said the LLM has been “tired and emotional” lately following unprecedented numbers of young people on school vacation asking it to produce scripts for pornographic computer games. Police say that ChatGPT is cooperating fully with their enquiries, producing perfectly edited copy of its own witness statements.


Author: nicka



bottom of page