Car powered by sewage is proceeding swimmingly

Engineers and students at the University of Warwick are working on a hydrogen powered car that is fuelled by sewage. The sloppy jalopy development is being supported by Severn Trent Water, a company not unfamiliar with getting themselves in the sh*t.

One of the students, Ami, explained “We have tried to make the fuel induction as straightforward as possible. With petrol and diesel vehicles you fill up at the pump. With electric you use a charging point. With our car, a simple dump into the intake valve and you’re good to go.”

For their part Severn Trent have insisted more than one prototype is being built as backups will be inevitable, and they have also requested the vehicle is amphibious, so during heavy storms it can be treated as normal and pushed into the river.

Photo by Patrick Federi on Unsplash

Squirrel Apologizes for Cuba Blackout

A squirrel named Sparky has posted an official apology on X for causing Cuba’s recent nationwide power grid failure. ‘I was just sitting on a wire, munching on some tasty insulation, when I heard a loud pop and lights went out all over the neighborhood,’ Sparky said in the statement. ‘I apologize to anyone I might have offended or inconvenienced, and my thoughts and prayers are with the Cuban people,’ the statement continued.

The Cuban government reacted with outrage. Unable to use the internet, it hired a light plane to skywrite the words ‘Fuck Yankee squirrels’ in Spanish. ‘The statement by the so-called Sparky is obviously a lie,’ said an official statement circulated on what appeared to be toilet paper. ‘If he had been chewing on a wire he would have been electrocuted, so this is clearly American sabotage.’

The Cuban government has long suspected the United States of sending squirrels into Cuba to damage its decrepit infrastructure, explained Alfred Newman, Associate Professor of Rodent Insurgencies at the University of Leeds. ‘It isn’t clear whether the squirrels are being smuggled in by plane and boat, or whether the Americans have successfully bred a species of amphibious squirrel that can swim the Florida Strait,’ Newman said.

Calls to the American Department of Defense and Central Intelligence Agency went unreturned. The Cuban government has launched a nationwide squirrel hunt, offering 50,000 acorns for information leading to Sparky’s arrest.

Photo by remi skatulski on Unsplash

Musk bribing voters, complains Lobbyist

The billionaire owner of the social media site previously known as Prince, has decided to offer swing state voters $1m to overlook Trump's combover. Lobbyists are furious that he has undermined democracy, as that was their job: 'He's doing it all wrong, you're supposed to bribe the politicians. If we start bribing the voters, they might actually benefit for once.' When asked, most voters took a jaundiced view of the election: 'It's all a scam, but at least this way we get a cut.'

The $1m lottery means there is a remote chance of voters getting rich, as opposed to when Trump gets elected, where there is zero chance. Under American election law it is illegal to pay for votes, although ironically American voters have been paying for theirs for the last 200 years.

By contrast, Harris has refused to bribe voters with anything they might want. Her spokeswoman insisted: 'There's no need for lobbyists to pay voters - when politicians are so cheap.'

Photo by Rosie Kerr on Unsplash