Sperm donor cash rises as UK faces shortage of w*nkers

Despite the fact that UK sperm donors can now get paid £45 per clinic visit, it has been announced that the UK has a shortage of w*nkers, surprisingly.

News of the recent increase from £35 to £45 for sperm donations comes in the wake of Kemi Badenoch's call for women on maternity leave to receive less money.

We spoke to one sperm donor, who wanted to remain anonymous, but asked to be referred to as 'Jizz-Lord'. He told us, 'I think it's only right that sperm donors like me should be paid more, and women on maternity leave should be paid less. After all, when it comes to continuing the human race, it's us men who have to do the hard part, am I right, mate? Yeah, gimme a high five! On second thoughts, better not - I can't remember if I washed my hands before I left the clinic.'

Wiping his hand down his jeans, Jizz-Lord continued, 'Women have the easy part - all they have to do is get pregnant, carry the baby for nine months while suffering morning sickness, give birth, then spend the next couple of years coping with sleepless nights and dirty nappies. Whereas sperm donors like me have to visit the clinic once a week for up to six months to donate our baby juice, and sometimes that can be really difficult to fit into my busy schedule of sleeping and playing Xbox. There's also travelling time involved, and it takes me almost 15 minutes to get the clinic. I always go there on the number 48, as I find that when I sit upstairs the vibrations of the bus help me to get into the mood to make my donation, especially when it goes over all those speed bumps. Actually, there have been a couple of times where the bus journey was a bit too effective, and I made my donation all over the back seat of the bus, so I didn't even get paid for it.'

Jizz-lord added, 'I don't want to blow my own trumpet, but they won't accept donations from just any old tosser, they only want the crème de la crème. There's stiff competition, and a rigorous medical screening process, which can be hard on a man.

'So when you really think about it, £1080 isn't much for 6 month's hard work. It's not like I'm making money hand over fist.'

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Port Talbot to focus on producing actors

With the sad news that the blast furnaces at Port Talbot steelworks are closing today, signalling another milestone in the decline of heavy industry in Britain, the city authorities have announced they will now be focussing on producing actors instead.

'For a small city, we have an incredible track record in this area - Richard Burton, Anthony Hopkins, Michael Sheen... and yes, I suppose, Rob Brydon as well. So we just have to work how we were doing it, and do it some more.'

Plans have been drawn up to turn the site of the blast furnaces into a huge drama school, inevitably named The Drama Furnace, with all local kids to be offered free places, whether they show any talent or interest or not.

However, some have queried whether producing more actors would really help Port Talbot, since they’d most likely move to Hollywood as soon as they got famous - or in Rob Brydon’s case, Strawberry Hill in the south west London suburbs.

'And anyway, what if instead of more Richard Burtons, we end up producing more James Cordens - more Gavins than Staceys if you will. We'd have to go back to mining coal.'

Image: stafichukanatoly - Pixabay

Amendment to UN Declaration of Human Rights

A controversial draft for changing the UN's DHR has been proposed. "Breaking into your house and shooting you counts as self-defence if I have reason to think you might be dangerous."

The nationality of the draft's sponsor, Moshe Cohen, has not been confirmed officially. Moshe insisted," Obviously, there would need to be racial safeguards built into the amendment. White men with red necks would have a prima facie case to suspect danger from dark-skinned folk but the reverse would not apply. Haitians & other well-known pet eaters would need to prove their pacifist intentions. While the Bible could be cited to justify suspicions the Quran could not be considered equally."

A man wearing a towel on his head spoke out against the proposal. "Such a law would open the door for foreign nations to target the Knesset as  fair game for missiles as the military leaders of the IDF are well known to use it as a venue for meetings. This could set a dangerous precedent whereby gangs of medieval men would not be free to enslave & oppress any females who chanced to be born in 'their back yard.' "

Most national leaders declared they would not be able to offer any judgement on the amendment without consultation with & analysis from their financial advisors. The bankers were considered likely to be the deciding force.

image from pixabay