Highest ever delivery figures achieved by Amazon Crime

A brand in an industry notorious for failing on the one thing it is supposed to do, has finally achieved more than one star on Drunkpilot.

'When it comes to delivering goods to clients in prison, we can't be beaten,' confirmed Sam Pell, head of incarcerated customer satisfaction at Amazon Crime. 'We have a 100% success rate in not deliberately leaving packages with a neighbour.'

Industry watchdog, Amazon Crimewatch UK, are critical, however. 'Firstly, their target market have a tendency to be in. Secondly, they're criminals with a horrendous track record in tax evasion who have no right to run a delivery service.'

Image: ANIRUDH (@lanirudhreddy) | Unsplash Photo Community

“We are not a cult” says Tesla Shareholder and True Believer

“Stop saying that, why would you even think that? Being too scared that our glorious leader will leave us so we have to promise him $1,000,000,000,000 is perfectly normal and not weird at all. He is the only one who can rescue us and our money, he will save us and protect us from the woke mind virus and an insanely overpriced company collapsing if he leaves. This is all perfectly un-weird, he will take us to Mars, no comets involved as of yet, but I am willing to die on that comet if there is one. Does this sound like a cult to you? No, you’re weird.”

The disciple paused to check the Tesla share price and then continued.

“Promising ten million dollars an hour to keep him is not weird. That is an ok thing to do and totally rational. I did my own research, and all my fellow mission-driven associates say it is not weird at all. He has targets, we’re not crazy. One of them is for Tesla to produce 1 million robots a year by 2030. Nothing can go wrong with that. Our Supreme God King said that Asimov is a nerd, and his laws of robotics are lame and Lord Elon's own laws about allowing robots to injure humans whilst making a fart noise are well sick.”

He muttered something about “so called experts”, did a quick double “Roman salute" and left, staring at his share tracker.

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China meeting got me a whole hill of beans, brags Trump

"It's the bigliest meeting ever in the history of bigly meetings," boasted Donald Trump on board Hot Air Force One.

"I slashed the rates on all my tariffs on China and, in return, Mr Xi said he might stop refusing to sell us his rare earth metals. But he didn't actually agree to anything on paper because ironing out the details was too boring for me.

"Then he said he might think about helping to end the war in Ukraine by maybe talking to Putin about it some time in the future if he managed not to forget - and that's a great diplomatic victory by me.

"But best of all, Mr Xi definitely signed a contract to buy some sacks of soybeans from a bunch of US farmers with MAGA hats and pick-up trucks.

"In three months' time, we'll be buying them all back in the form of premium-priced soy sauce and tofu.

"I am the the greatest diplomat ever!" bellowed Trump, doing a pratfall down the aeroplane steps, "because I pulled off the greatest soybean deal in history!"

"Who said President Trump is doing international diplomacy on 'easy mode'?" croaked White House spokes-toadie Karoline Leavitt.

"It's really tricky handling all those buttons when you have such tiny little fingers."

image from gemini google