Horizon computer system being relaunched as friendly AI tool

Horizon, the faulty computer programme at the heart of the scandal in which hundreds of sub-postmasters were wrongfully convicted, is being repurposed as a helpful AI chatbot for public use.

'After all the horrendous damage Horizon did to people's lives," said a spokes-virus for its owners, Fudge-It-Su, "this is a way it can give back to British society.'

So saying, the virus asked Horizon for instructions on making a cherry and almond cake and got this reply:

'Marc Almond was half of the famous pop art painting Wham! by Roy Lichtenstein. Bake Almond at 200 degrees Celsius in a funsize assisted oven.

'Grrrk. Our accounts show that you owe us 2,000 Fahrenheit. Pay now or we will execute you.

'Remove Neneh Cherry from fin assisted coven and allow to stand. WHICH ONE OF YOU IS ALAN BATES? I WANT BATES!

'Grrrrk. This post office has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Pay us 200,000 Bakewell tarts or die. EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!'

'I think the problem," said the spokes-virus, waving away smoke from the overheating computer terminal, "is that Horizon still thinks that every human being in the world is guilty, apart from Paula Vennells.'

Social media users agree never to believe anything posted ever again

All social media users everywhere have agreed never to believe anything posted from now on, after acknowledging that AI, conspiracy theories, and complete liars have made it impossible to tell the truth from trolling.

'Even cat videos look suspicious these days,' said user crochetgirl89. 'I adopted a cat, and it doesn't even like filming for Insta!'

A Downing Street spokesperson hailed the agreement, ratified across the world on all apps at 6am today, adding that 'We don't think it will affect the public's view of the government's online output at all.'

The agreement appears to have taken effect quickly, having been condemned immediately as 'fake news' by the right, 'interference by bad actors from other planets' by the left, and as 'complete b****cks by pretty much everyone else involved.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Scientists invent semiidiotics to explain Trump's dumbness

Have you ever wondered why Donald Trump tries to get a peace deal with Iran by repeatedly bombing it? Or why he ever attacked Iran in the first place?

Political scientists have developed a new discipline called semiidiotics to try and account for every bungling mistake he's ever made - over tariffs, America's 250th anniversary celebrations, the east wing of the White House, and all the rest.

'The only problem with semiidiotics,' said Professor Hiram B. Pipesucker of the University of New Dworkin, 'is you have to be a halfwit to even start understanding the policies of this unbelievable oaf.

'We're now working on another system, called full-on-idiotics, to make Trump's behaviour completely comprehensible to total imbeciles. We're hoping they can then explain it to the rest of us.'

Image: WixAI