Nigel’s girlfriend to launch ‘Elite Waitressing’ blog?

Laure Ferrari is an unlikely feminist heroine, given that she’s shacked up with a leatherette man-frog, but her ability to afford a £900k house on waitressing tips has propelled her to elite status in the waitressing community.

Now pundits (i.e. people with an internet connection but no real job) are predicting that she may soon launch a blog for other waitresses who want to buy a big house and kiss a frog.

‘She’s living an almost fairytale life’, somebody told NewsBiscuit. ‘Okay, the amphibian hasn’t turned into a handsome prince, but that house is practically a castle and at least he isn’t around much. Can you imagine having that looming over you, thrusting and grunting and exhaling beer and tobacco fumes? Gross’.

Other imaginary people we didn’t really interview said they’d ‘rather live in a septic tank than have to receive the Honourable Member’s honourable member, but well done Laure for somehow saving enough to buy a house for almost £900k cash’.

The mystery of how she came by so much cash is only eclipsed by the mystery of Nigel Farage managing to seduce an actual human. Much as Laure has given hope to Strasbourg waitresses, Nigel’s story is an inspiration to the incel community – especially the smelly unlovable ones.

Image: Couleur - Pixabay

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Addresses stolen in Nursery Land hack

Hackers say they have stolen the pictures, names and addresses of around 8,000 Nursery Land characters including The Master, the Dame and the Little Boy who lives down the lane.

The gang of cyber criminals is using the highly sensitive information, such as 'who sells sea shells on the sea shore', to demand a ransom of golden eggs, silver nutmegs and bags of wool.

The criminals say they also have information about the construction of many of the buildings including houses built of straw, stick, bricks and, in one case, gingerbread and sweets.

Newsbiscuit has contacted Old King Cole for comment, but has not had a response.

Cyber-security expert Little Boy Blue described the targeting as 'an absolute new low' and immediately blew on his horn to warn others..

Another expert, Jack Horner, suggested people should: 'Sit in the corner' for safety

Mary, Mary Quite Contrary said her family had received an email from the hackers, who told them they knew exactly how her garden grew.

'It was all very professional and well-written, no spelling mistakes or anything like that,' she said.

The hacking group responsible for the claims appears to be relatively new. It is believe to be from the Hamlin area of Germany, and calls itself 'The Pied Piper'.

Image: WixAI

World's first gravy shop opens in Oldham

'Gravy Status' is believed to be the first outlet in the world serving pure gravy to gravyholics.

'We are thrilled to offer our delicious, warming drinks to customers who have been dreaming of this their whole lives,' said owner, Eric Bisto. 'There is an alternate universe where there are gravy chains everywhere, because tea and coffee wasn't invented.

'But really, everyone knows deep down that gravy is superior, tastier and more satisfying. Who doesn't want to sit on a cube stool at a table not really shaped like a boat supping this fine beverage? 'Your new favourite meeting place will be your local Gafé.

'Our customers can count on our stock levels, and we offer them a very special flourish at the end. At the bottom of every bill, we give you a lovely little OXO.'

Image: WixAI