Chinese national trying to improperly influence politicians' claims corrupt UK government

A Chinese woman resident in the UK has been trying to improperly influence parliamentarians according to an interference warning issued by government.

'What she has been doing is unacceptable,' said a Downing Street source. 'She has followed all of the correct procedures and acted completely appropriately at all times, and that's just not the way we do things around here.'

'What she should have done is conducted herself in a shady, underhand manner and attempted to influence politicians in corrupt ways. She would have been much more successful if she had bribed us or thrown some sort of illegal party.'

Image: Pixabay/sarahlarkin

Queen apologises for not bringing One's own booze

In a surprise announcement today a spokesperson for the Queen admitted she responded to the BYOB email sent from Downing Street on the eve of Prince Philip's funeral. 'To be honest, all One wanted to do was get shit-faced,' said the statement. 'One's courtiers were keeping a distance, several were in isolation and one, who has since been dismissed, was on a ventilator without permission. One had a tough gig in the morning in Westminster Abbey and the invite came at the right time'.

'One searched the Royal fridge for some Stella or Sambuca. It seemed Philip polished off the Stella before going downhill and One hadn't been to Asda to replenish. Unfortunately there was only a third of a bottle of Sambuca left and One polished it off before One's Uber arrived, so One arrived at Downing Street empty handed. One's bad. Anyway One found that the Downing Street crew had popped to Bargain Booze with a suitcase so One didn't need to bring anything after all.

'Long story short, One was left hanging off the Downing Street railings at five in the morning, cue return Uber, home, shit and shower and then One sat in a quiet dark spot in Westminster Abbey on One's own. To be fair, One needed the peace and quiet.

Images: Pixabay/Baralous

Johnson ‘too hungover’ to attend Prince Philip’s funeral after massive session the night before

It has emerged that the Prime Minister Boris Johnson did not attend the Duke of Edinburgh’s funeral because he had been nursing a stonking hangover after getting completely sh*tfaced on the previous night at yet another party.

Being far too busy at the time celebrating his nationwide ban on social gatherings by hosting lots of illicit booze-fueled bashes of his own, it is reported that the PM told an aide “cobble together some noble sounding flim-flam” about him sacrificing his seat at the funeral so another member of the royal family could go in his place, as his hectic social calendar was just too busy, an anonymous source confirmed.

Whilst the nation watched the Queen setting a stoic example of how to follow the rules as she sat alone in St George’s Chapel with her face covered by a mask, it has been reported that at the same time, the pissed-up PM had just woken up with his face covered in dried vomit and red wine, accompanied by a splitting headache and a vague nagging feeling that something of minor importance he was supposed to go to and pretend to care about was happening that day.

According to the same undisclosed source, Johnson had been abruptly roused from his stupor, however, when he was advised by a staff member that if his wife Carrie ever found out he was responsible for sloshing half a bottle of Tignanello all over the new wallpaper, he would have to start planning his own funeral.