Boris Johnson ambushed by cake, wine, fizz, spirits, party-goers, strippers and a donkey. Six times.

Those still straining every sinew to save the bacon of Prime Minister Boris Johnson have reiterated that he was ambushed by cake, wine, fizz, spirits, party-goers he wanted present, and organised party 'activities' he was well up for. Six times.

When questioned by colleagues, the police, and under strict parliamentary oath on multiple occasions, there was definitely no Downing Street party during lockdown and absolutely no rules enforced by him on everybody including himself were broken.

If there was a party, he definitely didn't know one was going on in his own home. If he was photographed at a party partying, then everyone must wait to be reminded if they were there by Sue Gray. If it happened at least six times during strict national lockdown, then he only accidentally walked in on one of them for five minutes, but certainly no more than a couple of hours on his birthday and promptly left. If he was there for longer, then he was tied to a chair against his will and definitely didn't want to be there while he shouted 'Bobba want suckle-suckle' at the strippers.

If he was caught bang to rights at all of the parties like a rubbish thief who shits in the fridge, photographed several times, and proven to have uber-lied on multiple occasions to his colleagues, police, parliament, and the nation, then they weren't parties, they were highly important work meetings, or they were parties but in a place where the boundaries of work and home are blurred, or they were somehow both parties and not parties at the same time, or they were so unimportant because big things are happening now, or Keir Starmer having a beer is worse, or look over there at that expired pussy, or Europe did it, or whatever anybody with a brain the size of a mungbean might believe and let him off for. Again.

Any connection between a party he didn't go to on the 13th November 2020, and requirements to self isolate from the 15th November 2020 are purely coincidental. And the donkey at the party with Boris Johnson on the 13th has only been pixelated to protect its guilt.

Hat-tip Mick Turate

Exclusive - Sue Gray forced to complete her report in Coventry monastery cloister

Friends of Sue Gray have told Newsbiscuit that for the past five months, senior civil servant Sue Gray has been holed up in a nondescript cloister in the ruins of St Mary's Priory in Coventry.

Stoic Sue Gray is said to have stood up quite well to being sent to Coventry to do her work and a significant part of the report is believed to include findings that were missed by Time Team experts when they conducted a dig at the site in 1999 that revealed the ruins.

Whilst she not known as a historian or archaeologist, it is believed that Sue Gray's extensive knowledge of how modern government works has enabled her to have a greater insight into the medieval period than most archaeologists will have had.

Image: Pixabay/Tama66

Cake to become next PM

The birthday cake that Boris Johnson was given in June 2020 is tipped to be Britain's next Prime Minister, according to Downing Street insiders today.

Speaking from behind the bike sheds at no 10 and furtively sipping a glass of tap water, an aide said "the Party is looking for something bright, relatable and that everyone would fancy a bit of. The cake stands out way ahead of the other contenders, especially when it's candles are lit. Admittedly, it's a bit stale, the cream filling has gone off a bit by now and the whole thing will probably need to go in the bin soon, but then.. excuse me - hello Prime Minster! Yes of course it's vodka."

However, there is no guarantee that Britain can look forward to a sweet sponge-based government, as it's understood that the cake has also had a lucrative offer from the BBC to be its new chief political reporter, based on its skill in ambushing politicians.

Image: Pixabay/ulleo