Johnson Creates Two New Regulators -OffHead and OffT*ts - In Whitehall Shake-up

It has been announced that two new wholly independent regulatory bodies are to be established, in the public interest. The Office of Hospitality, Enjoyment and Alcoholic Drinks (OffHead) will have a broad remit and terms of reference. It will have responsbility for both quality - no rubbish plonk at official gatherings - and value for money, e.g. are extra discounts available from selected retailers for bulk purchasing of 3 suitcases or more.

OffHead will have a partner authority whose surprise appointment as Chief is Michael Gove. With a similar public exposure, this Regulator of Tonics, Intemperance, Thrills and Stimulants (OffTits) will be in good hands. And noses. It will focus on solid results, as opposed to the liquid assets of OffHead.

A spokesman for No.10 Downing Street commented, "The Prime Minister is well aware of public disquiet regarding the recent Sue Gray report, and the appalling behaviour by junior staff who should have known better. The creation of these two authorities will ensure that in future everyone understands what is required for the good of the Party. And a good Party will mean we are all subject to OffHeads and OffTits checks throughout. Now, please, I think what people wish us to do is move on from this. Yeah, move on. I'm gonna move, move on down the line. Wanna get some love, a love that's truly fine. Oh I'm gonna show you a-way so hot, I'm gonna get what you ain't got ... <deep sniff> I'm sorry, could you repeat that question?"

Image: Pixabay/Mrskirstyholl

Sue Gray report to focus on occasions where there were no parties at Number 10

Sue Gray has announced that her report is into lockdown parties at 10 Downing Street is going to be considerably shorter than expected, as she has decided just to report the times where there was no piss ups.

'Looks it is going to be a lot easier doing it this way, isn't it?' said Gray . 'We can focus on the exceptions rather than the general rule. The times when the PM was seemingly sat at his desk, getting on with the job in hand and sticking to lockdown laws. It'll save me loads of time, and the taxpayer millions in paper costs'.

The single page report, scheduled to be published later this week is thought to be titled '18th November, 11am- 12 noon', although Gray admitted that this may still change, if new evidence comes to light.

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Sue Gray concludes: It's not a party without a conga line

The investigation proved that it was impossible to have a party without streamers and at least one girl crying on a staircase, mumbling something about all men are bastards. 'The gatherings that the PM and Keir Starmer attended were in no way parties. Mainly because no self respecting party would invite those two.

'For it to be considered a halfway decent party, there needs to be jelly and tequila shots. No one sung 'My Way'. And not one person chundered in the Downing Street shrubbery.

'The only feature that this has in common with a normal party, is that no one can remember any of the details'.

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