No reprieve for BBC results

The BBC has confirmed that it will no longer broadcast the results of the Conservative leadership contest – the equivalent in footballing terms of the Isle of Wight Top Tiles League South.

A spokesperson said: 'As a matter of course we regularly review all of our media output. Consulting with focus groups, undertaking customer surveys etc. All point to a falling public interest in this topic. Overwhelming feedback criticises us for continuing to report on "a couple of useless, egotistic lying tossers who couldn’t run a whelk stall, or indeed organise a legal piss-up in a brewery let alone 10 Downing Street.

Customers have urged us to promote instead more upbeat and uplifting news items such as Covid, Ukraine, water rationing, the next WAGs legal action. Plus, of course, blanket coverage of the Conservative leadership contest after this one – provisionally scheduled for January 2023.'

Sneak peek at tomorrow's news

Rees-Mogg rules out throwing his pith helmet into the ring

Jacob Rees-Mogg has revealed he has no intention of throwing his Victorian pith helmet into the ring, as the number of Tory leadership candidates surges.

The MP for North East Somerset, and Right Honourable member for at least 250 years ago, said it's a lovely old hat and chucking it on the floor would wreck the thing.

"While there have been numerous members suggesting I stand, I feel now is not the right time," said Rees-Mogg, 109, from on top of his penny farthing.

"I've even had Johnny Rotten backing me, Sadly, though, I don't want to ruin my pith helmet; it often accompanies me on family holidays to Prussia, Mesopotamia and the Sudetenland."

Some people have called for stricter rules on standing as leader, saying too many people have thrown their hat into the ring. At the last count, all but one Tory MP had put their name forward.