Testing the air

Sir Graham Brady seeks internet advice about his phone

The word on the street is that the Chair of the 1922 Committee has spent much of the day on the Internet trying to find out how to stop his phone beeping every time a Tory MP emails to tell him they have no confidence in the PM.

His secretary attempted trying to turn notification sounds off, but unfortunately ended up changing the notification sound to Boris Bop and somehow turning the volume up to full. Neither of them know how this happened, or how to reset the phone without him losing all his contacts. Apple has offered to assist, but they're asking for more than the national debt to do it.

Every text comes with several more, asking if he'd received the original, and inbetween this, the phone is continually ringing with calls from the whips, demanding to know how close Sir Graham is to the 54 letters.

We called Graham Brady to check on the veracity of this story and get a comment from him, but regret we are unable to publish his comment due to legal obscenity restrictions.

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Computer hacker 'spoofs' Conservative Party 1922 Committee inbox

A devious computer hacker has set up an account called VoteOfNoConfidence@1922_Committee.co.uk which looks all genuine and everything. Known in hackerworld as a 'spoof', Conservative politicians have been duped into submitting their votes of no confidence in Prime Minister Boris Johnson to this email address.

'Tories are notoriously lazy,' said the unnamed hacker. 'They just can't be arsed to do anything for anyone else, never mind follow the official submission process of delivering a printed letter on officially headed paper by hand to the Chairman of the 1922 Committee on bended knee with bowed head while revealing a nipple and tickling his exposed testicle.'

'What I have done is create a method which is so simple and easy to do that even self-absorbed right-wing MPs might actually get around to it, rather than staving off doing anything by insisting they need to wait for the results of Sue Gray's next urine test.

'The account only required 54 votes of no confidence, but there were already over 300 in there this morning. The best bit is that Boris Johnson has been constantly badgering the Chairman about the numbers; they are both certain it's only 2 and there's nothing to worry about, but Johnson is spaff up the wall when I reveal the true amount.'

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