Cinema to trial “playing off” long, self-indulgent films

The tendency of actors to use awards ceremonies as a platform for long self-indulgent speeches has long been the bane of TV producers trying to prevent the show overrunning.

Repeat offender Adrien Brady spoke for seemingly several hours after winning 2025’s Best Actor Oscar for his role in The Brutalist, thanking everyone he ever met as well as setting out his philosophy of life, the universe and everything.

“He even shared some favourite recipes at one point,” said one veteran Oscars watcher. “Though to be honest, I may have nodded off and dreamed that bit.”

“It was exactly like the film,” said Dave Acrylic, manager of the Vue Multiplex cinema in Hanworth. “It carried on long after you’d got the point it was trying to make, and in the end just got tedious.

”Which made me think, why not just ‘play off’ any film that outstays its welcome by just rolling the closing credits?”

He added that he hadn’t yet worked out exactly when this would be for every film, though in the case of The Brutalist he thought “probably about the beginning of the third day.”

image from pixabay

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Emerging young actor not related to any famous old actors

Journalists writing about the much-hyped new Channel 4 series “Devington Hall” have made the remarkable discovery that its breakout star, Sebastian Cutlery-Drawer, isn’t related to any famous actors.

”I was writing the standard puff piece about him, as his agent requested,” said Glenda Sludge of the Independent. “I was about to write that being the son of whoever only meant he had to work even harder to prove he was there on merit, when I realised I couldn’t remember whose son he was. 

“So I googled him, and I couldn’t believe it - it turns out his dad’s a solicitor and his mum’s an accountant. I mean, WTF?”

The producer of the show denied they were going out on a limb by casting a young actor with no show business family connections.

“You do realise, all the actors whose kids are now entering the profession were themselves cast just because they were good actors? Believe it or not, that used to be the norm. It’s only in recent years we’ve started treating showbiz families like some kind of gold mine, to be exploited to exhaustion before we even consider looking elsewhere.

“Besides, Channel 4 only gave us permission to do it on condition that Jeremy Irons’ son, Anthony Minghella’s son, Jude Law’s son, David Tennant’s son, Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman’s daughter, Peter Hall’s daughter, Tilda Swinton’s daughter, Imelda Staunton’s daughter, Phil Collins’ daughter, Lenny Kravitz’s daughter, Andie McDowell’s daughter and Johnny Depp’s daughter would all make an appearance before the end of the first series. And maybe a Beckham or two, if they fancy giving acting a go?”

Image: Pixabay/ADMC

Greatest Movie Special Effect of all-time: Keanu Reeves Acting

The outcome of a poll looking to discover the public's most memorable stunt or special effect didn't go to classic scenes such as the French Connection's Car Chase or Skyfall's Train Fight; instead the surprise winner was the work behind the camera on several films leading to Keanu Reeves being capable of showing emotion.

"We had no idea movie lovers felt this strongly about Keanu's range," said Kay Gripp, who commissioned the survey. "Over his career, you can see how technology has developed. Bram Stoker's Dracula was so early in the days of CGI that they had to rely on practical effects to give any outward display of sentiment. If you look closely, you can see the strings being used to move Keanu's usually lifeless face beyond its normal rictus. However, by the time we reach John Wick, computing power had advanced so much that you'd almost believe he had feelings towards that dog."

When asked what the future held for special effects, Gripp felt the advance of Artificial Intelligence would be the key, remarking, "With every evolution, we get closer to the holy grail of special effects, which is - of course - a version of Sean Connery with the trifecta of a slim build, realistic hair, and a convincing accent for the role he's playing."

In Hollywood, upon hearing about his win, Keanu Reeves was moved enough to allow an eyebrow to raise slightly and to give the following statement to his fans, "Whoa."

image from pixabay

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