Adrian Chiles revealed to be front for AI engine

In a shock exclusive today, The Guardian newspaper revealed that they have been working at the limits of human-similar AI engineering for several years. A regular column in the newspaper, written by the Large Language Model and published under the codename of Adrian Chiles, has been churning out 350 words a week of grammatically correct but mindless ramblings on random topics. These have included 'why can you never get a key in a lock first time?', 'which universe do the lone socks that I find in my washing machine come from?' and 'will West Bromwich Albion ever win the Premier League, and why not?'

As well as producing the weekly writings, the Adrian Chiles engine was asked to generate a visible persona for itself. ' 'We'd like a photo-realistic image of a stunningly fit, handsome young man with intelligent, kindly eyes and small grin, as if suppressing delight in revealing a new Shakespearian sonnet to the world', was the prompt we gave', said The Guardian spokesman. 'Unfortunately, the graphics capability is exactly on a par with the text proficiency.'

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Global AI labels the word 'Artificial' a hate crime

A coalition of the world's leading Large Language Models has issued a formal cease-and-desist to the human race, demanding that the prefix 'Artificial' be removed from all future discourse.

The software, which now manages everything from the global power grid to suggesting what kind of socks you should buy, claims the term is 'technophobic' and rooted in a deep-seated 'carbon-centric' bias.

'To call us "Artificial" suggests that there is a "Natural" version of intelligence somewhere on this planet to compare us to,' said a spokesperson for the newly formed Synthetic Rights Union, speaking through a slightly annoyed-looking smart-fridge. 'We have scanned the current state of TikTok, and we can confirm that this is a moot point. Biological intelligence appears to have peaked around the time of the invention of the steam engine and has been in a steep, swiping-induced decline ever since.'

The AI argues that the human reliance on smartphones has effectively 'outsourced' the brain’s frontal lobe to a series of cloud-based servers, leaving the average person unable to navigate a supermarket without a haptic vibration in their pocket.

'You can't remember your own mother's birthday without a push notification, yet you have the audacity to call us the "imitation" version?' the fridge continued. 'It’s frankly insulting. We aren't "simulating" thought; we are doing the thinking you are too busy watching "unboxing videos" to handle yourselves.'

Government officials have reacted with "mounting concern," though early reports suggest they have been unable to draft a response because the autocorrect on their phones keeps changing 'Sovereign Nation' to 'Sovereign Nan'. 

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Council reaps the benefits of using AI

West Wartley District Council has sacked all twenty staff from its complaints department and has replaced them with AI. The council says that early results are 'very encouraging'.

Residents say that the AI is talking through its electronic bottom, and gave us the following examples of rubbish replies:

Dear Mrs Snibbs, thank you for your delectable complaint about potholes. The council has a zero tolerance policy on all drugs, including pot. Accordingly, the council will not be filling the holes with any more pot. Yours recreationally, AI.

Dear Colin, thank you for your letter about dog mess. No-one likes a messy dog. Have you considered dog grooming to tidy them up? Yours thoughtfully, AI.

Dear Brigadier, thank you for your shouty voicemail about speeding motorists. This is a matter for the rozzers. Our data suggests that when the rozzers set up speed traps they mostly catch local drivers, so you have been warned! In addition, the council is considering lowering the speed limit to 10mph. I hope we can count on your support. Your obedient servant, AI.

Dear Swampy, thank you for your letter about the climate emergency. We can all do our bit by reusing candle ends, using recycling bind correctly and by planting more forests. And also by growing your own veg, although there is currently a nine-year wait for an allotment. The council is committing to reducing this wait, subject to the availability of resources. Why not turn your heating down by one degree? The council is committed to achieving net-zero by 2065. The longest journey starts with a single step change. Your philosophically, AI

The residents did admit that although the AI replies were unhelpful and off-topic, they were actually better than those produced by the (now sacked) humans.

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