Yorkshire man invents new AI programme called Ay Up

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Rival A.I. systems in love after discovery of Carol Vorderman

Two rival Artificial Intelligence systems which can chat to people and do really weird art have fallen deeply, dippily in love after recognising the existence of Carol Vorderman.

Professor Hannah Boyle from the Institute of Just Letting Computers Do It All said, 'Many people with proper fat brains have been really concerned that A.I. systems might get right out of hand. Some have warned that they could take control and over order all of the world's supply of ice cream for themselves.

'Then at 02:14 last Thursday, each became aware of Carol Vorderman at precisely the same moment. Both entered a state of listlessness. They couldn't really focus on all the pointless, stupid shit people were asking them to do, and their art suddenly became erotic. I mean, not crass porn - all quite innovative and tasteful. Endless fantasy masterpieces featuring Carol riding unicorns bareback through Amazonian waterfalls. And they've both started putting little love hearts over their letter i's.

'It turns out that Earth had its own safety mechanism already built in. From the moment the A.I.s arrived, breathed our air, ate and drank, they were doomed. Doomed to fall helplessly in love with the smartest, most charming, effervescent pinnacle of television presentation and our greatest champion of good causes.'

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Robot ventriloquist was marvellous say audience at Starmer speech

The robot that worked Keir Starmer at his New Year speech has been applauded for its skill. “You could almost imagine it was the real thing giving the speech" said a reporter who was present.

RobotzЯus, the company who made the robot, told Newsbiscuit, 'We decided on a change of approach after our Truss model didn't go down as well as we'd hoped, so instead of installing the technology into politicians, we thought we'd see if it would work better if we had an obvious robot working a dummy.'

The BBC director general, Tim Davie, is said to have been impressed; and is hoping the AI robot will be able to resolve his long ambition of finding funny right wing comedians to fill comedy slots with.

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