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Tories to replace MPs with AI Robots


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NewsBiscuit has discovered a secret Conservative programme to phase out humans as MPs and replace them with Cyber MPs, using a combination of AI and robotics.


According to leaked conversations from the Tory WhatsApp Group, AIRFOIL (believed to stand for - Artificial Intelligence and Robotics Forum On Incompatible Lifeforms), a major problem has been identified with attempting to identify sufficient numbers of on-message, non-bullying, non-harassing and non-drunk human candidates.


“It’s becoming a major problem and the tech’s not quite there to replace them”, said one post. “There is, of course, a short-term option of contracting out to an outsourcer such as Group 4. This would be expensive but at least when MPs speak out of turn or are involved in a scandal, there would be agreed compensation payments.”


However, a more recent post on the Group by AIRFOIL “Scientific Advisor”, Grant Moore-Money, examined the testing further - “Sure, current tests show problems such as limited eye contact, fixed expressions, being vulnerable to jerky movements and repeating wild unsubstantiated stuff from the internet. But that’s exactly the reason why we need to replace them with AI and robotics, asap.”




First published 21 Oct 2023


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Delight as AI boffins promise to prioritise gonorrhoea cure ahead of MRSA

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AI-designed new super-antibiotics hailed as ‘game changers’ when it comes to treating diseases at contrasting ends of the spectrum are giving hope to the seriously ill, pox-ridden, and absent-minded everywhere.


‘Yeah; MRSA, whatever,’ said Steve Greevling, a serial adulterer from Harlesden. ‘But the clap? Anything that stops my wife asking difficult questions about why we’re both itching more than Prince Andrew during Huddersfield Uni freshers’ week shows AI has its priorities sorted.’


Further incongruous medication pairings close to gaining regulatory approval include tablets which treat both heart disease and that level of wheat intolerance you only remember when either the cakes or attention on offer falls short of expectations, capsules which cure sepsis while also reminding you which night to put the bins out, and pessaries proven to reverse symptoms of most major cancers and any VAR decisions you don’t like.


‘Exponential technological advances might be hastening the inevitable end of humanity,’ agreed Steve, cheerily; ‘But if these lads can prevent my ring blazing like a Corbieres hillside every time I strain, our subjugation by emotionless robot overlords can’t come quickly enough. Especially those sexy-sounding ones.’




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