top of page



The measures are a revolutionary new service that will allow the public to become 'Guest Guards' making their home secure and safe to temporarily hold the nation's convicted criminals.


'Obviously, the scheme won't extend to the the prison population's most dangerous felons', said a Ministerial aide, 'but I could certainly see a stalker, an aggravated assault inmate or even a convicted fraudster banged up in a semi in Brentford or Huddersfield. It just makes sense.'


The scheme is looking to be rolled out next year and is already looking extremely popular especially to those with unused bedrooms and the 'empty nesters' whose offspring have flown the coup for University or to live away from the familial home.


'Joan moved to Bath to do her Liberal Arts degree', Mr Richard Holmes of Worthing told us, 'so we've applied to take a low level nonce or a internet harrasser into her room. We've sorted the locks and there's bars on the windows already. It's a welcome income stream as we head towards retirement. Not sure what we'll do at Christmas yet but I'm sure everyone will budge up!"


Mr Holmes told us that his wife, Debbie, was looking forward to being a 'right nasty screw'


Image: Newsbiscuit




Airbnb has promised couples the choice of spycam-free rooms "for a small surcharge" which guarantees their stay won't be live-streamed to PornHub. This follows a complaint by a Sheffield couple who were shocked to learn they'd inadvertently won the porn equivalent of an Oscar after their weekend in Margate.



"This new policy should give customers an extra hour to enjoy their holiday, which is the time they'd otherwise put in shaking out flowerpots and taking apart fire alarms in the search for perv cams", says an Airbnb spokesman. "Our $50 surcharge offers priceless peace of mind".



While conceding that Airbnb entrepreneurs "like the extra perks" they get for renting their houses to strangers, he said they need to move with the times. "Renters who want to spy on their guests will just have do to it the old-fashioned way and bore a hole in the wall", he said. "That was good enough for Norman Bates".

bottom of page