Hardened alcohol consumer of several decades, Freda Gulp, has been lamenting how long it takes her to recover from all night drinking sessions.
'I don't know what's wrong,' said Freda squinting in the bright light and rubbing her forehead. 'A good lie in, an all-day English breakfast with a hair of the dog, and I'd be champion by mid afternoon the next day. But recently, it's taking me longer to recover than ever before.
'Last Saturday, I was on a bender with the girls, and come Monday I was still sweating like a shoplifter in Dixons. The extended injury time of the whole of Sunday is unacceptable. If this goes to penalties, I'm still refusing to touch Lucozade Sport, because that's the kind of team player I am.
'None of that water nonsense, either. But Marge says cocaine helps, so I might give that a whirl.'