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Lucy Bronze sets the standard for how much pain women can tolerate

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England defender Lucy Bronze has dismissed other women as wimps by playing 90 minutes of football with her leg hanging off; and says she could easily have had triplets and coped with 2 failed relationships during the match as well.


Andrew Tate told Newsbiscuit, that Lucy was an excellent example of how far too many women make out they are weaker than they really are; and wished he’d been able to help her prove her point, by giving her two black eyes before she had her post-match photo took.


It isn’t known yet how Lucy Bronze intends to spend her time in the aftermath of the match, but a friend told Newsbiscuit, she expects she’ll unwind with a few pints of absinthe while she listening to Ed Sheeran.


image from pixabay


Children already ‘bored’ in 2nd week of school holiday

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Just two weeks after schools broke up for the 6-week summer holiday, children across the UK have officially announced that they are ‘bored’.


“I’ve finished Netflix,” reported 12-year-old Alfie Thompson, slumped dramatically across a sofa, his thumbs still twitching from residual Fortnite reflexes. “Mum told me to go outside, but like… to do what? Look at grass?”

Parents across the nation are experiencing déjà vu, and are recalling their own childhood holidays filled with similar levels of existential despair—though notably with fewer devices and more aimless stick-finding.


“It’s uncanny,” said Claire Jenkins, mother of two and veteran of the ‘I’m Bored’ crisis of last summer. “I presented them with a paddling pool, a football, and even suggested visiting Grandma. They said, and I quote, ‘Is she on TikTok?’”


The UK government has issued no official response, but insiders suggest Downing Street may propose emergency boredom relief measures, such as a ‘National Go and Play in the Garden Day’ - an initiative sure to be ignored by 96% of children in favour of ‘just one more YouTube video.’


Meanwhile, grandparents nationwide are preparing to unleash their secret weapon: tales of how they ‘made their own fun’ with only a ball of string and an overactive imagination, a strategy known to have a 0.2% success rate in 2025.


As the crisis deepens, experts warn that by week 3, the nation’s children may reach ‘Peak Boredom’, characterised by spontaneous living room parkour, and repeatedly whining, “Can we go to McDonald’s?”

Meanwhile, the nation’s parents sigh deeply, and add extra alcohol to their online grocery order.


image from pixabay


Line of Father's Day cards developed for non-alcoholic, golf-playing dads


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Two enterprising brothers have embarked on a mission to create Father’s Day cards for Dads who don’t quite fit the Hallmark mould.


The journey began when Alfie (23) and Jacob (24) were purchasing Father's Day cards and noticed a disproportionate amount of options for the beer-drinking, golf-playing and D.I.Ying dads.


‘Everyone has a unique relationship with their father,’ Alfie tells us. ‘And for us, distilling that relationship down to alcohol and toolkits feels disingenuous.’


‘The cards on the market spoke to one or two kinds of fatherhood,’ Jacob explains. ‘They ranged from saccharine: “you’re the best Daddy in the world!” to insulting: “you’re a grumpy old shit and you smell of farts.” Neither of those felt right to give to our Dad; surely the truth is somewhere in the middle?’


Since then, the brothers have introduced their greeting card start up. Their bestsellers include: “You Are Cerebral And Secretive About Your Childhood”, “You Rarely Say I Love You But You Show It By Helping With My Student Loans", and "You Had A Complicated Relationship With Your Own Father And This Has Reflected Greatly On Your Parenting Style, But It’s Obvious That You’re Trying To Break the Cycle”.


‘While less pithy, we feel that these slogans really represent what it’s like to have a dad,’ Jacob says. The resourceful pair are planning to break into the Mothers’ Day market, aiming their products at mothers who don’t care for watercolour flowers and teddy bears holding balloons.


First published 16 June 2023



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