Next round of Tory Leadership battle to take place in the middle aisle of Aldi

Word from deep inside Conservative Party Central Office is that the next round of Tory Leadership Debates is to take place in the middle aisle of the Aldi supermarket in Gillingham.

Liz Truss, the Panda Pops Margaret Thatcher, the Travel-Iron Lady, will go up against Rushi Sunak, the illegitimate offspring of Mr Bean and that blue rat from that Pixar film, in what is said to be the Winner Takes All of Leadership Debates. Items on the agenda for discussion are believed to be: taking candy from babies, the flogging of dead horses and making the rich friends richer and their poor friends poorer.

A spokesperson for the Tories told our reporter: 'The middle aisle of the Aldi is the ideal location, in amongst the cassette players, the lawn darts, the welding kits, the socks with toes and the wetsuits that are just a little bit too small or too big. It's the ideal place to find something you didn't really want, something of dubious origin you don't really need, and which will be obsolete, forgotten and on the scrap heap in less than a year.'

Image: Pinacol | Pixabay

Colin the Caterpillar interviewed as Partygate witness

Colin the Caterpillar has become embroiled in the Cabinet Office investigation into illegal lockdowns, as an important – and highly litigious – witness to the PM’s birthday shindig, sources have confirmed today.

The chocolate-based sponge cake, with a delicious hard crust, insists he has little recollection of being at the event, but if he was there he didn't think he himself wasn't breaking any COVID rules in place at the time. However, photos from the event appear to show Colin - or parts of him being passed around on fancy napkins to everyone present.

Under questioning from Sue Gray, Colin is said to have become an increasingly hostile witness, particularly when he learned the Chief Whipped Cream was called Mark Spencer. Colin misunderstood this to be a coded message of omerta from his employers and no comment-ed thereafter.

After his interrogation, Colin was overheard furiously talking to his lawyer. 'Attention should be focusing on that doughy looking fruit cake that has inhabited number 10 for the last 2 years, not me', he raged. 'Thanfully, he might soon be scone. I squashed that Aldi caterpillar cake and I’ll squash the Aldi Donald Trump too. This is not schadenfreude, this is M&S schadenfreude.’

Hat-tip ChrisF

Image: Pixabay/PublicDomainPictures

Man buys fishing waders instead of milk from Aldi

When he entered his local Aldi, Dave Wells from Hatfield had every intention of fulfilling the basic instruction from wife Cheryl to purchase milk. However, the overwhelming allure of the ‘middle aisle’ proved too much and he ended up buying fishing waders instead.

'I walked in repeating to myself milk, milk, milk – but then I looked up and it was just, f**k me, are those fishing waders? I'd heard about the middle aisle of Aldi but it's nothing to being actually confronted by it - completely mind-blowing. Where else can you buy a snail-shaped door mat and a Viking helmet-shaped coffee mug?'

'I ended up settling on the fishing waders, but it was a tough call between those, the 6-step aluminium ladder with built-in radio and a polyester Nehru-style jacket.'

Dave continued, 'I got home totally buzzing, then I saw Cheryl just standing there in the kitchen with her arms crossed – then I remembered I’d forgotten the milk. She nearly sent me back to Aldi in the waders, which I would have been totally up for, to be honest.'

Cheryl said: 'Obviously, I couldn’t trust him, so I went myself. I returned with a Disney Princess Yoga mat. Bollocks!'

Image: Pinacol/Pixabay

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