Whisky producers release reserves to help ease pain of diesel prices

The W4 nations of whisky producers have agreed to release some of their strategic reserves. This should keep prices down, helping more consumers to numb the pain of extortionate diesel prices.

Scotland, Ireland, the US, and Canada made the announcement this week following threats of export bans which could have led to problems on world markets, where prices have been rising steadily.

‘Even Aldi’s budget whisky costs over £15 a litre now; at this rate it will soon be cost-effective to convert my diesel car to run on the stuff,' said someone who didn’t actually realise that whilst a petrol engine can theoretically run on whisky, a diesel one cannot, although the argument did sound plausible in the pub after a couple of pints.

Views across Scotland were mixed. Some felt that countries stopping whisky exports would ultimately damage their economies. Others said that it’s a travesty that anyone apart from the Scots is even allowed to make the stuff.

'A spokesman for the government said, ‘We’d love everyone to buy more whisky and less diesel. A mere 45% of what someone pays for diesel goes in tax, whereas with whisky it’s a whopping 85%.’

Image credit: ChatGPT

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Aldi to Join Formula One

In a surprising move, the FIA have announced that the famous German marque Aldi will compete in Formula One from 2026.

The company, known for its no-frills approach to shopping and eclectic selection of products, has already announced their driving pairing of Lewis Spamilton and Micky Shoemaker and are hoping to compete with rivals Mercedes and Red Bull at a fraction of the cost.

The team has yet to announce the location for its headquarters, but have attracted bids from every owner of brownfield sites on the outskirts of town throughout the UK and will likely choose to base its operations at all of them in a way that will shake the current structure of motorsport hierarchy to the core.

Initial tests of the team's set up have however hit problems. Pit-stops, which in Formula One take around two-to-three seconds, are currently lasting more than fifteen minutes as the drivers become distracted by what's on offer in the middle-aisle. This is also affecting car design, as they have to incorporate space for the unexpected purchase of an air fryer and paddleboard. However, the actual changing of the car's tyres will be complete faster than any team thanks to Aldi's decision to transfer members of their checkout staff to the pit crew.

Teething problems notwithstanding, Aldi are confident their cars will be on the grid at the first race of the season, featuring a front-end so similar to a rival's design that it culminates in a lengthy court case.

In related news, German car maker Audi have announced they will be opening dozens more supermarkets - also by 2026 - as well as noting their concern at potential mix-ups in press releases due to inadequate proof-reading.

Image: Nolde | Pixabay

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First published 28 Aug 2022

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Supermarkets start pretend price war

Britain’s supermarkets are in a war of words about promotions, price cuts and bargains.

The combatants are huffing and puffing about price competition and market share, largely for the benefit of the Competition and Markets Authority. But the likelihood of any actual price cuts is considered very low.

'The supermarkets are speaking to different audiences,' said retail expert and professional bargain hunter Max Price.  ‘They want to tell the government and the competition authorities that they are not in a cartel – which would be illegal. They want to emphasise that retailing is very competitive and that there is no collusion in price setting.

‘The supermarkets are telling retail customers that prices are on their mind and that they are working hard to keep them low.   Even if they aren’t doing any work to keep them low.   Talk about price wars is cheap, gets free publicity, reassures customers and encourages them to spend, which is just what the grocers want.

‘Let’s take a jar of mixed spices as an example.  Customers have no idea what the right price for a jar of mixed spice is.  They don’t know what is in mixed spice, they don’t know where it comes from, and they don’t know if Trump’s tariffs have affected the price or not.  So the big supermarkets can change the price and the consumer has no idea if it’s fair or not.  The only things keeping the big supermarkets in line are the discount chains Aldi and Lidl.  Both are four-letter words, as far as the big stores are concerned.

So you can take all the hot air about price wars with a pinch of salt. Which will cost you anything from one penny to £2.42.

image from pixabay